Lonely girls swallow hard at night
Fighting off sleep
Because dreaming is the saddest time.
A quiet longing
And searing heat
Folded up inside
Take it to work and in the car
To the grocery store and to the bar
And finally lay down
With a soul of desire
Emptiness running through
Like horses on fire.
I don't want to like you
But we both know I do
It's a fault of woman
To disregard the truth
But there's something about the way you think
That kind of sets me free
And when you crack open my mind
It does something to me.
Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you
I am not the type to pin you down
So, I'll just say it's nice having you around.
Unlock my kiss
But you're still far from my heart
I keep myself removed just in case I fall apart
You should sense that I am delicate
In so many ways
That's why when you reach for me
I always push away
Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you
I am not the type to pin you down
So I'll just say it's nice having you around.
Having you around is the highlight of my day
Read me like a book then you memorize the page
Take a second look at what's written 'tween the lines
Because I don't want to theorize.
There's a secret in your smile
Shared only by me
A secret that I carry too
one so inviting
But all of the things we shared last night
I bury in my skin
They wither in the morning light
And I'm alone again.
Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you.
I am not the type to pin you down
So I'll just say it's nice having you around
Having you around is the highlight of my day
Read me like a book then you memorize the page
Take a second look at what's written 'tween the lines
Because I don't want to theorize.
These are lyrics to a song inpired by the arctic that I just finished. (I think). I wrote it after having been here about three weeks and I thought I was done. I have written quite a few things since I've been here, but I kept coming back to this one because it was interesting to revisit the feelings of shock and newness that I initially felt after having just arrived. I used it as a sort of way to measure my own personal growth and such.
A few days ago I listened to it again and decided that it was not really finished. I needed to add my current perspective in order to give the song the evolution that it deserved. So, the first half remains what I initially wrote and the second half is now.
Raw Version
White.
Horizon blurs with a billion shades of white.
Cry.
I'm missing someone and I don't remember why.
A raw version of myself,
Skin and bone against the grate.
A raw version of myself,
I feel the animal
The animal awakes.
Strip me clean of everything I know
Shove my fingers deep inside my coat.
I'm truly on my own
A strange feeling keeps me up at night
I grope for shadows
Somewhere in this light.
A raw version of myself
Claw my arm to keep me warm
A raw version of myself
I could die, or is it I could be reborn?
Go for a walk
There's no one to walk with me
But the sky does make great company
The sun my clemency.
I feel the pieces settle again inside
All the silence leaves me no where to hide
And now I know I've been living blind.
A raw version of myself
I feel innocent and pure.
A raw verson of myself
It's who I really am
And who I was before.
Wind breaks across the water,
And I am way underneath the surface,
Towards the bottom.
Still, I can feel the slightest of movement
Like the faintest of echoes.
Silence has a way of penetrating you
Emptying you out
Yet, also filling you
Winter wraps around me like a dark velvet cloth
There is comfort in not being exposed.
It's getting darker
But I am not afraid
Cover me in this midnight robe
Let the colors inside of the night
Seap deep within my soul.
A different sort of beauty
Something pure
That reminds me of longing
Bitter sweet.
Beautiful and sad.
Time widens
Almost disappears
The space between us all seems bigger
So big, in fact
That it almost brings us closer
We're all like
Tiny ships
In the same sea
Trying to find our way back to somewhere.
Ten places I want to visit before I die.
1.) France. I want to take a tour of the French countryside. Particularly the southeast part of France, but I would love to see Paris and Marseilles as well. I've thought of maybe taking a wine or food tour there... 
2.) Egypt. I have always been fascinated with the Nile ever since I was young. I remember reading about it as a child and hearing of it in biblical stories. It always seemed so magical to me. It would be amazing to see it and touch it. I want to see the red sands of the Sahara as well. OH and the pyramids and the sphinx. Egyptian history and culture seems fascinating.
Wow, I've been really sucking at this blog lists challenge. It's probably already been 25 days and I'm on day 13. Today's list is 10 things I look for in a romantic partner. Hmm....Do I want to think about that? No. Not at all, actually.
The way I look at it is, I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it. Make myself happy, and if a happy accident occurs, and I meet someone worth it, then I will make time for it. But only if it's worth my time. Only if it's really wonderful. I don't have the energy for games and all of that bullcrap. I'm over it and anyway, it's not even worth it. Yes, friends, I have turned into a disenchanted callous bitch. However, I would rather be that than anyone's fool. So, in the spirit of negativity, perhaps I will list 10 things that I DONT want in a romantic partner. Aye?
1.) Emotional baggage, mommy issues, and such like that needs a team of therapists, a lifetime subscription to prozac, the pope, jesus, buddha, the dalai lama, ghandi, and harry krishana to get rid of.
2.) Free spirits are awesome and attractive and all of that, however, there is a difference between a free spirit and a free LOADER. I want someone who knows that difference.
3.) To quote the scandalous Britney Spears, "Womanizer. Womanizer. Boy don't try to front, I (I) kn know just what you a ah are." Yah, preferably not one of those. We all go through phases in life, but if you are in your 30's and still don't know what you want or have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy, we might have a problem.
4.) Someone balanced. Balanced meaning they have read something besides the Guns and Ammo magazine and the Playboy editorials but can still screw in a lightbulb and change their oil, if need be. Also, someone who can have a real conversation about more than just T and A, computer games, and cars but is not such a pompous ass that they demean me if I haven't made time to read applied mathematics.
5.) I actually WANT someone sexual. That's right. I want passionate sex. I said it. We are all sexual beings. However, I don't want someone SO sexual that they put Ron Jeremy to shame. But it would be nice if my man actually expressed interest in my bosoms because yes, it is an important part of a relationship. On that note, if ya don't have the "goods" get out my grocery sto.
6.) No liars. If I have to hook you up to a polygraph every time you talk to me, we have a serious problem. If I could go back and erase all of the time I have spent trying to figure out lies or chasing rainbows that don't exist or driving myself bonkers being paranoid about suspicious behaviors, I would be adding a lot of time to my existance. Just tell the truth. Even if you think it's not what I want to hear. I'm a big girl. I can handle it.
7.) I want someone who knows the difference between we're friends and we're lovers. Those are two very different states in a relationship. Don't think I am going to sleep with you just because I am being nice to you. I am just a courteous kind of girl, okay? I like people. Or if we're exclusive but you have yet to tell your friends that we are after two months, stop wasting my time.
8.) I hate to say this, because I do enjoying creating things myself, however, experience has taught me to stay away from artists/musicians/and pot dealers. I'm not looking for an MBA, but I am looking for something better. Something real that is meaningful and I can sink my teeth into. If you still play drums in a horrible band, live in your mom's basement, and are working at McDonalds, no I don't want your digits.
9.) I want someone who likes to experience new things and go to new places. There is nothing wrong with loving your home and appreciating your roots, but if you don't ever go outside of your home except to go to work, go to the store, and play in your bad garage band....that's just not my style.
10.) Possession is 9/10 of the law, HOWEVER, I'm not a law, I'm a woman. You aint my pimp, my daddy, or my pimp daddy and I can do as I damn well please. If I say that I'm with you, I want you, and that I will be faithful to you, these are all true. But if I want to go out with my friends, play a show, or go on an adventure--don't assume I'm having with sex with anyone or everyone but YOU. And don't feel the need to call me fifty times while I'm out with my girls.
For today's challenge it's ten things that I look for in a friend. Well, that's easy.
1.) Laughter
2.) Honesty
3.) Kind spirit/compassion
4.) Likes to have fun/try new things together
5.) Sincerity
6.) Open mindedness
7.) Challenges me or has guts enough to tell me when I'm being stupid
8.) Someone who listens and doesn't undermind
9.) Someone I can be a total kid with
10.) Integrity
Today I am supposed to write what my ten favorite tumblr blogs are, but honestly I don't even know what that is.. Oooops. So I'm skipping todays and going with tomorrow's challenge. Five Chores I love and five I hate.
5 Chores I love.
(Okay. I don't know if I would be honest if I said that there are chores I LOVE. After all, it is called a chore. However, there are chores that I mind less than others.)
1.) Folding laundry. I think it's kind of theraputic to do. Especially when it's still warm. I love folding other people's laundry too and putting it away for them all pretty. This of course excludes the buttloads of towels and sheets that I fold on a daily basis for my job.
2.) Organizing. When I get in the mood, I love to organize all my things. I will put things in their place, move stuff around, and decorate. That is kind of fun.
3.) Dishes. I honestly do not mind doing dishes. It is kind of fun. I find that it's a great time to bond with people. I think I read somewhere that a survey was taken and like 70% of women said they consider doing dishes together a form of foreplay. Haha.
4.) Cleaning other people's houses. I really enjoy it. I have done it for peeps on several occasions.
5.) Painting. I think painting is so much fun. I don't mind it at all. I'm not the type of painter that is all worried about getting dirty, in fact it's a great excuse to be a big kid.
5 Chores I hate.
1.) Mopping. It is not the act of mopping itself that bothers me. I think it's just that usually by the time I get around to mopping I have already done everything else and I'm tired.
2.)Cleaning the bathtub. It is so cumbersome and gross.
3.) Cutting the grass. I have developed allergies in recent years. It's not very fun.
4.) Emptying out the sink. You know what I'm talking bout. After you do dishes all that random food matter or hair floating around that you have to pick up and throw away. YUCKERS
5.) Putting away groceries. After I've bought groceries I am usually exhausted because I have spent all day running errands and spent all that time putting those heavy bags in my car and then you have to put all that crap away AND make dinner. Annoying.
There it is. I should win the nobel peace prize for this entry.
My assignment today is to post things that I remember from school. Honestly, this is so boring. For the two people that actually read this, I apologize in advance. I was never really in any clubs, besides choir which doesn't really count. I didn't play sports. I was incredibly shy and usually only hung out with my friends experimenting and partaking in various forms of debauchry most of the time. Most of the fun or juicy stuff happened outside of school but eh...
1.) Walking from the north building to the south building in 9th grade and skipping the shuttle bus so that I could sneak and smoke cigarettes. I never got caught but my best friend did. She got grounded for a long time for that one.
2.) When my friend at the time, Dawn, got so mad at the douche who used to pester me every morning in the commons that she spit doritos in his face and then chased him around the cafeteria.
3.) The music practice room that was my haven. It had a beautiful piano. I would lock myself in there and play it. One time my music teacher busted in and said, "I don't mind if you play, but could you please play something else besides those three chords?!" Ha.
4.) I got strep throat in 9th grade and did not take my medication correctly. Because of this I got a horrible out break of psorasis on my skin. This was hell on earth, except for the fact that I got to skip swimming. That was quite a relief and plus I got to hang out in the cafeteria every day.
5.) I had the coolest hippy music teacher in middle school. I wrote a song in 8th grade. It was called "I don't believe". He taught it to the whole choir and we sung it at the school assembly.
6.) My first crush, Eddie. I met in 3rd grade. He kissed me underneath the train tracks on our way home from school one day. Our relationship lasted a week. I never quite got over it.
7.) I wanted to go home with my friend Kristin once, but I didn't ask my mom because I didn't think she would let me. This was probably second or third grade. I told her mom that my mom said it was okay even though I hadn't even asked. It's the first time I can ever remember telling a lie. I hung out with her for a few hours after school, and when I got back to my apartment, there were three cop cars and a very upset momma waiting for me.
8.) I spent a semester of school at the "Christian Life Academy". This was a part of my grandparents church in Frayser Memphis. One time I got in trouble for talking too much and I got sent to the principal. The principal was my grandpa. He paddled me. I was heartbroken.
Blah
Today I am supposed to post a random list of some sort. I have decided to go with 5 things that make me feel better on a rainy day. Kind of lame, but I don't have a lot of time.
1.) Bubble baths.
2.) Chocolate.
3.) My guitar, Saffron.
4.) Reading.
5.) Cuddling.
So, today we have my ten favorite tv/movie characters of all time. Don't diss my list. That is not allowed. Just like John Cusack says in High Fidelity, "How can it be bullshit to state a PREFERENCE?" :p No particular order, of course.
1.) Strong Bad. Funniest little mexican robot ever! 
2.) Andre the Giant. Every girl loves a gentle giant. <3
3.) She-Ra. I was obsessed with her as a kid. Girl power all the way.
(Artwork by Jolyn Fry)
All the words lay dormant in my mouth.
I'm a storm inside the quiet.
An ocean of language just beneath my chest.
I guess that I can't quite explain it.
So, lay your ear on my heart.
Tell me you hear what I mean.
There's a deep well of longing in my skin
That all the words lay in.
I'm like a bird fluttering around
Flapping her wings, locked up tight
Utterances are a crayon colored picture
Compared to the beauty I feel tonight.
So lay your ear on my heart
Tell me you hear what I see
There's a deep well of longing in my skin
That all the words lay in
So for my challenge today I have to list the people in my family and a random fact about them. Well, my family is pretty huge so I will restrict to to intermediate fam.
1.) My mom. Her name is Paula Jean. We have the same middle name. I am Stephanie Jean, otherwise known as "Stephy Jean" by my grandpa. Obviously, I was named after my mom and also after my grandmother whose name is Jeanette. Well, actually her name is Helen Jeanette but she goes by her middle name. Another random thing...My mom used to have this wooden carving plaque thing that said "hey hey paula" on it. She had that thing for years. I think she still does actually. My mom is really fun. And funny too. She doesn't even do it on purpose, that is why it's brilliant. One time she told me a story of how she had been on this diet for weeks and she caved. She stopped at a gas station to buy a Suzy Q. She started to eat it and it was so divine that she pulled the car over to finish every last bite. I knew it was true because I found the evidence in her front seat. Ha!
2.) My Dad. His name is Roy. My dad is really funny too. Sometimes really lame and dry and other times hilariously sarcastic. He is warm, giving, affectionate, honest, responsible, and kind. He is very much a man's man. Drinks beer on friday nights. Watches football. Worked at Catipillar for 30+ years. Works on cars. Loves motorcycles. He was a premie baby, so he's always been horizontally challenged. Apparently he was quite a little fire cracker growing up though. He had a horrible temper and was known for beating up kids twice his build. And I believe it too. He is also very finicky. He likes things how he likes them. Everything must be in it's place and just right. One thing interesting is, in spite of all of his manliness, he has impeccable taste. His house is decorated beautifully, he has great taste in fine art, and dresses to the T.
3.) My bro. His name is Shaun Daniel. He is 4 1/2 years older than me. What can I say? He is wise. He has integrity. He is an amazing father and husband. He works very hard and is always trying to evolve. He's also very goofy and totally clueless about the weirdest things. I admit that I am like him in that way. My sister in law told me that one time they were in the car and were singing different songs. Shaun started singing the national anthem, in which he said, "JOSE can you see??? By the dawn's early light." hahahaha. The funniest thing is, he really thought that is how the song went. Terri had to convince him otherwise. :)
Good ole St. Charles, Illinois. The place where I spent the majority of my childhood and most of my adolescence. Sadly, I do not know much about it so I will have to google.
1.) St. Charles was founded in 1833, after the Black Hawk War.
2.)The fox river runs directly through it, hence the term "pride of the fox" that you see everywhere.
3.)There were "stations" for the underground railroad in many of the homes way back in the day. They had tunnels and false doorways. There was also an early abolitionist group called "The Kane County Anti-Slavery Society" formed in 1842 that met there.
4.)St. Charles was extremely isolated early on, even though it is only 40 miles west of Chicago. This started to change in the 1880's with the building of the Chicago Great Western Railway.
5.) It has a population of about 32,000, as of 2008.
6.) Michael J. Nelson, comedian and writer for the series Mystery Science Theater 3000, was born and raised there.
7.) St. Charles was home to the Potawatomi's. ("Neshnabi" as they called themselves, which simply means "the people") A group of migrating Native Americans who were forced south by settlers. Relations between the French and Spanish Illinois settlers and the Potawatomi's was generally good for a hundred years or so. That is until the Anglo's moved in on their high horse and tried to force them out. This causing the Black Hawk war. This war was considered and embarrasment to the US Government and is largely forgotten outside of northern illinois and wisconsin. Don't worry though. We have a huge ass Potawatomi statue by the police station and a park named after them. :p
8.)St. Charles was originally called "Charleston" for a couple of years, until it was discovered that there was already a Charleston in downstate Illinois. It was suggested by a lawyer that the town be named Saint Charles, and hence it stuck.
9.) There was a large boom of industrial activity there in the 1840's and 1850's. Consisting of several mills and also an iron foundry. The mills were all powered by the river. Also, because Saint Charles was a great stop between Chicago and Dekalb, it contained several hotels in the early days. It is estimated there were as many as 17. The first one built was called The Burchell, and stood where the Arcada theater stands today.
10.) In 1920-1940 a sudden boom of wealth made it's way to the town and St. Charles became known as a resort town because of its scenic river views and what not. The famous Hotel Baker was so popular that everyone referred to it as 'the honeymoon hotel'.
Oh my my, this is downright impossible. I'm afraid to pick a list because I will be leaving out so many wonderful ones. How can I choose? What makes a song meaningful to me? Where I was at when i heard it? What the song has taught me? How a song has the power to make me dance no matter what kind of mood I'm in? How the song enriches my life? Ugh. I need a hundred songs, not ten. However, I will do my very best. This list will probably barely scratch the surface, but I will try my best. They are in no particular order.
1.) Tori Amos- Precious Things "No one dared, no one cared to tell me where the pretty girls are. Those demi gods, with their nine inch nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl." The first time I heard this song, it genuinely resonated within my being. Her seething and yet gorgeous vocals, the racing piano. It was bold. Innovative. She was bringing light to something that I had never heard someone talk about in a song before. Not like that. It was powerful and honest and I still love it. I felt like someone was on my side. I don't want to over romanticize, and I'm not the biggest fan of some of Tori's later work. (I pretty much stopped at 'Scarlett's Walk' which is also a beautiful album)but as a hurting and confused girl, Little Earthquakes helped me through my entire adolescence. I revist it now and then and I still believe every song on that album is timeless.
2.) Old 97's- Four Leaf Clover "I've got a four leaf clover, but it aint done one single lick of good. I'm still a drunk. I'm still a loser living in a lousy neighborhood." It is difficult to choose just one song on this album, but if I had to pick one it would be this track. I love this duet. It is incredible! The first time I heard this song I was about 18. I had just gotten my own place and this band was introduced to me by my best friend. I really liked it, but this is one of those albums that grew on me. I didn't fully appreciate it until I saw them perfom live. The self loathing, the dirty guitars, the drum line, the raw vocals and broken poetry...it gets under your skin and stays there.
3.) The Beatles- Because "Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry." How do I choose just one? I need a separate list just for Beatles songs. However, Because has always been one of my all time faves. It brings me to tears. It makes me feel happy and free. I love the complex, thick, and interwoven melodies drenched in reverb. It has been the inspiration for some of my own songs. It's simply perfect.
4.) Dolly Parton- Coat of Many Colors Oh Dolly, how I love thee! This song is so sweet. As a child who grew up poor and had a loving, Christian grandmother I can totally relate to it. It brings me back to childhood. And the message is universal and so important. I love how singable the melody is. She turned it into a children's book, which I sadly do not own. I will some day though. I remember some of her specials on television as a kid. I wanted her to be my mom. Still do.
5.) Radiohead- No Surprises "A heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal." When I first got this album, back in my teens, I used to listen to it the whole way through. I love every single song. I can sing it front to back. But No Surprises was a song I was obsessed with. I used to play it over and over. That sweet melancholy guitar line reminds me of a music box. The song makes me feel like I am in a snow globe, another world. I have never read any quotations or articles regarding what it supposed to be about. I don't want to. However, to me, it is about lonely people quietly wasting away. Sort of like an Elenor Rigby kind of thing. Beautiful, brilliant, and sad.
6.)Patty Griffin- Up To The Mountain (MLK Song) "Sometimes I lay down, no more can I do. But then I go on again because you asked me to." Patti Griffin's voice has a signature all its own. It is an original and no one could imitate it. Within it lies strength, power, gentleness, fragility, questioning, and warmth. This is a song inspired by Martin Luther King's last speech. The first time I heard it was a couple of years ago and it blew me away. She takes me places I forgot I could go. Enough said.
7.) The Avett Brothers- Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise "There was a dream, and one day I could see it. Like a bird in a cage, I broke in and demanded that somebody free it." This is the third track on I and Love and You, their latest album. Not only is the music beautiful, the message of the song was so pertinent to my life when I first heard it. I love the pure and sweet simplicity of this band. I love the bluegrass accents, folk elements, and rock beats. This was their first recording with a major label and their first time going full out electric. This album is full of movement and hope. You get the feeling of someone who is putting the past behind them and jumping into the future. And who among us doesn't need that kind of inspiration now and then?
8.) Ani DiFranco- Shameless "I never avert my eyes. I never compromise. I never nevermind the poetry." This woman is awesome. Yes, I am a fan. She is smart, ballsy, and blatantly honest in her songs. So many of her songs tell stories and I feel like I'm looking at a snapshot of a specific time and place. She is a great writer too. She makes me think, even when I don't agree with her. This is a rockin number on secret love. It's juicy, and the way she tells the story it's like she is sticking her tongue out at you and saying "I don't care".
9.) Bob Dylan- Sad Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands "With your mercury mouth in the missionary times/ And your eyes like smoke and your prayers like rhymes/ And your silver cross/ and your voice like chimes/Oh, who among them do they think could bury you?" Ugh, this song is so beautiful to me. The poetry is incredible. There is something in his voice, in the way he sings it too that pulls at my heart. It makes me ache in that good way. Again, I have never read what this song is supposed to be about. He seems to be a very abstract and intuitive writer at times and a very focused one at others. To me, this song is about a woman figure and he undresses her soul layer by layer. Actually, I have learned so much from Dylan in his lyrics, including a lot about the way men see women. Then again, haven't we all?
10.) Mahalia Jackson- Didn't It Rain? In terms of voices, Queen Mahalia is my number one. She is a gospel singer from Louisiana, popular in the 50's and 60's. I am a big fan of southern roots music, black gospel and blues quartets being at the top. She could shake the windows with the power in those pipes. In fact, in her early recordings she would step way back from the microphone and you could still hear her so well. When I listen to her songs, I feel comforted...like she is wrapping her arms around me. She is transcendent. She fills me with light.
Ive seen the brightest lights in the darkest places
Seen the ugliest eyes within the prettiest faces.
It's all relative to me.
Wherever I'm at, I'll be at peace.
Tomorrow will bring what it brings
And it's all relative to me.
Ive felt pure love on the lips of a liar
Ive sat in holy places, feeling nothing but tired
It's all relative to me.
Wherever I'm at, I'll be at peace.
Tomorrow will bring what it brings
And it's all relative to me.
Oh my, this may be seriously impossible. I have seen so many great films throughout the years. I will compile this list based on the movies that I have watched over and over or that I seem to keep going back to. They are in no particular order.
1.) Airplane. "Jive ass dude aint got no brains anyhow."
I used to have this movie on laser disc when I was about 14 or 15. A couple of my close friends and I used to quote it constantly. One time we acted out the girl scouts at the bar scene and video taped it. Total Classic.
2.) Almost Famous. "The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." I saw this movie with Sara and my boyfriend at the time in the theater. It has it's little flaws, but I still love it. It may be the most quotable movie ever.
3.) High Fidelity. "Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." I fell in love with Jack Black in this movie. I laughed so hard that I cried when I first saw it. My friend and I used to imitate his "The night Laura's daddy died" song. Plus, it is just a really great film about relationships. I mean, he calls on the boss in his time of need. How could you go wrong?
4.) The Wizard of Oz. "Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking." This was my favorite movie as a child and I still love it. The characters are so lovable. To me, it is simply adorable.
5.) Aristocats. "Oh, shucks, Napoleon. That ain't nothin' more but a little ol' cricket bug." This was my FAVORITE book as a kid and probably my favorite Disney movie. I still love it.
6.) To Kill a Mockingbird. "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it." When I first saw this movie, I cried. I'm not talking little tiny tears either. Sobs. It's just such a beautiful story, superbly acted, and also one of my favorite books.
7.) Man on the Moon.
Andy Kaufman: You don't know the real me.
Lynne Margulies: There isn't a real you.
Andy Kaufman: Oh yeah, I forgot.
This movie is about the Andy Kaufman story. I saw it in the theater as well when it first came out. I was so captivated by it. I suppose it was particularly impactful to me because I saw it knowing nothing about the movie or Andy Kaufman. It was one of Jim Carey's first serious roles and he was absolutely brilliant in it. There is something very Shakespearean about this movie.
8.) The Color Purple. "You sho is ugly!" I still think this movie is beautiful. Everything about it is perfect. When I saw it I just cried and cried and continued crying for what seemed like hours afterwards.
9.) Karate Kid. "(Singing) Ooooh waaa eeee. OOOoooookeeeohno. karerdeokosaynooooooo.)Daniel son, Daniel son. Sit down. Sit down!" Another movie I was totally obsessed with growing up. I have probably seen it a hundred times. I love the soundtrack. I love the actors. Mr. Miagi was my very first mentor. Zen meets Los Angeles. God bless America.
10.) The Fall.
Luigi: (reading from Evelyn's locket) My dearest daughter, never marry for money, fame, power or security. Always follow your heart. Your ever loving father...
Blue Bandit: It says all that on that little locket?
Luigi: Si.
This is a movie that I watched just recently, but I was left thinking of it for days afterwards. Not only is the cinematography absolutely gorgeous, it is such a fantastical and beautiful story.
This one is rather tricky. Usually if I have managed to keep something a secret, there is a very good reason for it. I will try my best though.
1.) At one of my old jobs we were not supposed to accept gifts or gratuities of any kind from patients. I got to know a lot of the regulars pretty well who would come in every week or what not. There was this one super cute old man with this adorable grin. He was a farmer and one day he was talking about how he grew tobacco and so I was asking about it. Anyway, he brought me some one day. I smoked it. What can I say? I'm curious. :/
2.) I used to steal toilet paper from one of my old employers that shall not be named. I was poor though and I promise you I needed it. They should have paid me more, dayum.
3.) I really like Saturday Night Fever
4.) My dad bought me a beautiful car, (1996 Ford Mustang) years ago which I still have. He says he doesn't care what I do with it, but he totally does. If I were to sell it he would probably have a coniption. He loves it more than I do. Anyway, I backed into a concrete block at a gas station the day before I moved to Alaska. He still doesn't know. Ooops. haha
5.)I have mentioned Tom (sprout) in my previous blog entries. Years after I moved out, I came back to visit my mom when Tom was out of town on business. Me and my friend got secret revenge. We opened every jar of peanut butter and stuck our fingers in it. We licked the icecream. We hid important keys under the house and buried one of his tools in the back yard. Haha. I still can't believe I did that. How vindictive of me. It did feel good though.
6.) I like to sleep um... in my birfday suit. This has gotten me into situations in the past. God, did I really just say that?
7.) I can drink whisky like a man. Just whisky though for some reason. Hence, I try to stay away from it.
So, for day two of this 25 day blog challenge I am supposed to give you facts of me. Obviously. This is probably going to be boring.
1.) I have an irresistable urge to say "poooey" when I spit out my toothpaste. Yes, I know two year olds do this but it's subconcious at this point.
2.) I am obsessed with nail polish. No particular reason other than I find it theraputic to apply and I like the smell. I probably have about 30?ish colors right now.
3.)Here's a gross one. I like ketchup on my Kraft Macoroni and Cheese. But, only if it's the boxed kind.
4.) One thing I do sometimes is chew things. The ends of pen caps, the sides of cups. It's a pretty disgusting habit actually. I think it's an anxious tick.
5.) I cannot go to sleep without listening to music. Some of my favorite albums to sleep to right now are Bon Iver's "For Emma, Forever Ago" and Neko Cases "Blacklisted". Also anything by Wilco is an honorable mention.
6.) I also cannot sleep in other people's beds for very long. I usually wake up every 15-30 minutes and ended up going home to crash. People get offended, but it's not them. I just cannot seem to get comfortable. The only exception is if I know you very very well. Like family.
7.) I really hate eating meat that I can identify. Whole chickens and turkeys freak me out a little. Going to a pig roast is my worst nightmare. It took me a long time to be able to eat fish and I cannot eat shrimp because the tails freak me out and remind me of big bugs.
8.) I do not like being in a room with windows that do not open. Even if it's winter and I have no intention of opening them, I need to know that they CAN open if necessary. If not, I feel really claustrophobic. In the summer time, my windows are open at all times.
9.) I am very absent minded. It's not that I'm a horrible listener, I just am more of a selective one. Even when I don't want to be. It's annoying even to me. So I'm sorry, friends. I often forget where I put things. I lose things pretty much every day (but always find them). I also have a horrible sense of direction and had no problem getting lost in a town I lived in for 6 years. If it was a way that was unfamiliar to me, you can just forget about it.
10.) I bust out in song at random moments, which is awkward for other people. I am working on curbing this urge, although I don't wanna. Laura thinks it's funny that I sing to my dishes while washing them. Lately it's been Patsy Cline's "You Belong to Me". :)
Okay, so it's been a couple days--but better late then never right?
3.) Laundromat elegance. This is not technically a childhood memory because it took place in my late teens, but I thought it was appropriate. Any list of this sort would not be complete without mentioning Sara. Sara is my best friend and has been since the day I met her while waiting for the bus in second grade. There are SO many memories that I could mention here, all containing our shenanigans, but that is another list for another time.
When I was 18 Sara and I moved into our own place together. We were VERY poor, the type of poor where I was stealing candy from my work for meals and sara was going on dates for dinner and then living off of the left overs for a few days. It all sounds dire, but we had so much fun! We were the queens of making simple things fun. We did all sorts of stuff. We wrote plays and acted them out, spent whole evenings thinking of pranks to put on our answering machine, went on 2 a.m. slurpee and beef jerky runs, and danced all around our apartment for no good reason other than it was Tuesday.
Sara hated doing laundry. She seemed to hate laundry as much as I hate cleaning the bathroom. In fact, sometimes when she ran out of clothes she would just say "screw it" and buy more instead!! Which I happen to think is pretty awesome. We would often have two HUGE mounds of clothes, one of them mine and one of them hers. She had a cat "Figaro" who hated me for some unknown reason. He knew my scent and when he was feeling especially bitter towards me, he would circle around the clothes mound, walk right over Sara's clothes, and pee all over mine. That cat was like Cujo. In fact, that was my nick name for him. One of my shirts could be on the floor, laying directly next to one of hers and that little bastard would position himself perfectly to make sure his urine stench landed ONLY on my stuff.
Anyway, laundry day was a big deal. First of all it required massive amounts of organization and muscle power. On top of that, we had to spend money to do it and when it comes to more ramen noodles or a clean bra, sometimes you have to improvize and wash your bra in the sink.
After organizing ALL of our clothes into the appropriate piles, (and I mean every stitch of clothing we owned at that point), we would realize we had nothing in our closets to wear TO the laundromat. Except of course for the one or two super fancy dresses that we never wore and had stuffed at the way back of the closet. So what did we do? We utilized that shit! We used laundry day as an excuse to dress up to the hilt. I'm talking heels, hair dos, full make-up, and all the fixins. It was always quite hilarious to see the looks on people's faces while I was playing pacman (for 25 cents)in my bridesmaid dress. Doing laundry with sara became quite a fun event, but of course that is totally how we roll. :)
4.) Getting arrested. The first time. When I was about 13 or so, I was hanging out at this place called "Coffeehouse Gibehrti". Or just "The Coffeehouse" for short. The first time that I went there, I remember the feeling that it was very intoxicating and full of wonder. It seemed to be buzzing with life, mystery, and drama. It was full of so many interesting people too. It was like all the freaks started coming out at night and gathering in this little place. There was lots of laughter, poetry, darkness, and also some scariness and utter delusions. Most of the people there were a lot older than me. At least already in high school or in their twenties, but they seemed to accept me right away. I immediately starting going there every chance I got. I went after school, on the weekends, etc... Eventually, a couple of my friends started coming along with me as well. Mostly Amanda, Brooke, and her brother Gregg. It is there that we met a couple of nice gentleman, seemingly harmless, much older, who would hang out with us every now and then. I will spare their names. At the time it seemed really cool that they wanted to hang out with us, but now it just seems creepy.
One night in the summer, we decided that we wanted to go to the fair and stay out and meet up with these guys, one of whom seemed to have an unhealthy infatuation with Brooke. We of course couldn't tell our parents what we were doing, so we lied. I lied and said that I was staying at Amanda's house, Brooke lied and said she was staying at my house, and Amanda said she was staying at Brooke's house. It seemed like the perfect cover. We went to the fair that night, where we met these two guys. We all went to Shoney's afterwards, and then sat and talked by the river in the manor parking lot. Another one of our notorious hang outs. Besides smoking ciggarettes underage, we weren't even doing anything noteworthy besides talking.
To our disdain and our surprise, at about 3 am or so, a cop car pulls up and starts asking us a bunch of questions. To make a long story short, we all get hauled away in an cop car. This was very scary for us all, especially me...as I was still living with Hitler at this point (reference previous blog entry), and I thought for sure that he would stake me in the heart and feed it to the wolves once he found out I got arrested. We all got mug shots, finger prints, the real deal. They totally put the fear of God in us, but especially our parents, when they painted the guys we were hanging out with to be dangerous drug abusers and violent criminals. (Although it turns out that one of them HAD been previously charged with sexual assault)
If I remember correctly, Brooke got a pretty light punishment which consisted of her being banned from seeing me for like two weeks. Amanda's mom slapped her so hard that it echoed across the river when she came to the police station. And I'm pretty sure she was grounded for a little while. While I was basically sentenced to prison for SIX months! My punishment was the notorious sentence writing, a list of chores to complete every day when I got home from school. A very LONG list. No guitar. No television. NO music. AND Hitler made me write a letter to all of my friends parents from school, his collegues at work, and my distant family members telling them how rebelious and irresponsible I was. Yes, he sent them. Humiliating and unnecessary punishment, but it did work. I never did that shit again.
As far as court, we were all sentenced to community service, which we all served by helping out at the library. This was actually fun for me, as it was the only time that I really got to see my friends. We would pass little funny notes to each other and stuff. I don't remember what happened to the two guys.
5.)My Lilac Heaven. I have always been the dreamer type who likes to wander around. I would spend long periods of time by myself outside as a child. I used to have a huge oak tree in my front yard and I remember climbing way up high on it to look at the stars at night. I would go on walks and adventures in the woods by myself, always looking to discover something. It seems I just wanted to feel happy and free and I always seemed to feel like that the most when I was outdoors. Every place I have lived I have had a special "spot". Some place that I like to go to and sit, think, just BE. From the age of about 8-15, I had several different spots. But the one that I remember the most fondly was by this blessed, incandascent, ethereal cluster of lilac bushes.
In the spring time there was this thing called the "Lilac festival" and many of the houses on my street used to participate in it. The point of course was who could grow the prettiest, lushest, and most fragrant lilacs. Oh, it was heaven on earth walking home from school with that smell in the air. They were everywhere. And pieces of lilac would get swept away by the wind or rain and blow across the ground.
One day while I was walking through the woods, I saw in the distance this cool looking circle of trees, so I decided to study it further. I discovered this beautiful creek and if you walked along the rocks that lined it you landed in an enormous pile of lilac bushes. It seemed pretty far from anywhere, so I felt safe. I used to go there and sit, mostly in the afternoon reading books, thinking, or sometimes taking naps. That is, until I got caught. Apparently the place I had staked was actually someone's property. I was very sad to let it go, but I never went back. I also never forgot it. Lilac is still my favorite smell.
I decided it might be fun to try this 25 day blog challenge. Hey, why not? It's pretty straight forward. You reveal new things about yourself every day for 25 days and yadda yadda. I'm not sure what the point is. Perhaps self reflection? Perhaps to let other people get to know you better?
Day 1: Five Most Important/Memorable Childhood Memories
This one may in fact be the toughest one out of all of these for me. My memories of my childhood are very sporatic. I have managed to block out large chunks of it, and I am not kidding. Not to mention that I have a horrible memory anyway. I think it's a genetic defect. Here goes nothing...
1.) Big brothers are a blessing. My brother and I were extremely close as children, even though we would occasionally fight like cats and dogs.....let me rephrase.... HE would play horrible pranks on me and ask me to do terribly dangerous things so he could watch. Because I was incredibly gullible and sweetly stupid, I would just go along with anything he said, no matter how many times I got hurt. I trusted him to a fault. One thing I CAN say though is my brother had this very noble inclination that HE could terrorize me as much as he wished but NO ONE else better even think about it!
We grew up very poor and were living in this apartment complex in West Chicago. I will just say that it was full of shady characters too, although I don't recall ever being frightened. Anyway, one day this Mexican kid from a couple buildings down decided that he wanted to steal my bike. I LOVED that bike.
This kid was older than Shaun if I recall and was pretty tough. Not only that but he had older brothers that were even tougher. I think they may have even been in a gang. Despite all of this, he puffed his lil chest out and marched right over to their apartment and demanded that this little punk give me back my bike. I couldn't believe it! I had no idea that he was going to do such a thing and I certainly never would have asked him to. I would be afraid he would get murdered! However, without much of a fight besides some threats and back talk....the bike was returned. It was sitting on the porch when I got home from school. I couldn't believe that this creature who once told me to stick my finger in a fan (WHILE IT WAS PLUGGED IN)could be so protective over me. It made me so proud and still does. <3
2.) Trailor Swimming. Yes, you read that right. When I was about 8 years old, my mother met this man. I liked him right away because I thought he was RICH. He lived in a MANSION with all the food and sweets you could ever want. He had a POOL TABLE in the basement AND ATARI with tons of GAMES. He had movies and tons of places to discover both inside and out. I was in heaven. To me, moving in with him meant living like a queen. (It's hilarious, because if I were to look at that house now, it's really not that big at all.)And to my utter delight, we DID move in with him.
What I did not forsee then, however, was that Tom (i.e Sprout, Troll, Hitler) <--- all nick names given to him by my friends) was horribly mean and kind of psychotic. He once made me write 10,000 sentences for forgetting to turn off a light. And that one example is small potatoes compared to other various forms of torture I endured. What he did not know with the sentence writing was that I had all of my friends in school helping me out. It was like a little sentence writing factory. Somehow he didn't manage to notice that my finished product had about 10 different hand writings. But, I digress.
Not only was Tom very mean, he was also a total redneck. He loved to parade around outside all day shirtless with his disgusting birth mark (a large patch of bumpy, pimply skin with very long hairs protruding from it) WHILE wearing cut off shorts which stopped only a little below his buttcheeks. He had a beer tap in the kitchen (awesome!) He had about 14,000 cars (all of them not running) in the driveway. What my mother was thinking, I will never fully understand.
He did do a few nice things for us kids. For instance, on one very hot summer day, he decided to surprise us. He lined a homemade pull trailor with some very heavy plastic and then filled it up with some (freezing) water and told us we got a pool and that we could go swimming! Shaun and i were very excited and got into our swimsuits right away. I guess we thought that a 10 foot underground pool could be installed in an afternoon. I have no idea. Anyway, we ran outside to discover this little trailor filled up with water in the front yard, no less. How anti-climatic. I pretended, quite convincingly, to be excited. We got in and the thing was barely bigger than a bathtub and cold enough to make you go into hyperthermia within 30 seconds. However, we SAT in it and splashed around and said "Yay!!!"
He did a pretty shoddy job creating it. (It leaked) And I'm pretty sure he was drunk, which was FINE with us because the ONLY time Tom was nice was when he was drunk. It was amazing. Four or Five beers and he turned into Hitler's angelic, mild mannered twin. He took pictures of us "swimming" in it and they are floating around somewhere. I wish I had them now to share with you.
Well, I am running out of time now. Plus, I have to druge up some more memories--but I will post the other three tomorrow.
Ta ta for now.
Okay, not really. I just like to rhyme. Not to say that it's "bad" up here, it has a beauty of it's own and I will never forget it. I've written some pretty decent songs up here, learned how much I love pastels, made a really close friend and have met MANY amazing people from all over the world. Not to mention saw things that I am sure I will never see again.
A friend of mine said that this place makes you more "you". Kind of like infusion. I agree with this in part. It certainly has tested my metal and made me realize my own silliness, my own strengths and flaws, and what I truly want in life.
My own father's nick name for me is "gypsy". I agree that I do have a tendency to ramble. But this nickname also bothers me to an extent. I love adventure and travel but I don't want to be a vagabond forever. 30 is creeping up quickly and I need to lay down some roots somewhere. I need a home base and quite honestly, there has never been a place where I felt that. I want to carve out something of my own. What good are all these songs I'm writing if I am not sharing them with anyone? I must say. I MISS PERFORMING. Bad.
That being said, I am pretty much ready to get back into civilization. I'm already feeling slightly awkward and bushy. The thought of loan sharks, cops, taxes, parking meters, crazy folks with a pension for crime...it is kind of overwhelming. I'm free of all of those things here in my safe little bubble.
I've realized some things lately. For instance, a little solitude is good--too much of it is bad. At least for me. I miss my friends and family to pieces and some days that can get me pretty down. I realized it's not always where you're at, but who you're with. When I get back, I am going to dig my heals in.
I had three goals coming up here: Experience the arctic, clear my head of bullshit, and save a little bit of money. By the time I leave in October, I will have accomplished all of those goals which makes me feel pretty darn good. I have devoured all 686 songs on my ipod. (it's an older model) and now I am lusting for some new stuff. Anyone who wants to send me some burned cd's, I will be very grateful.
The grass is already turning fall colors and I can feel winter peeking it's head around the corner already. This means less walks for me, which makes me a little sad. Any book recommendations? Thankfully it looks like we will be very busy. So I will work work work for 51 more days, then this world worn gal is coming home. Be ready for me!
Love,
Steph.
A couple people asked about my music. Here is a link where you can listen. (Keep in mind, most of these songs are older and/or works in progress)
http://www.myspace.com/stephieyeager
This is a picture of the view from my window as of a few weeks ago. All that snow has melted now.
It has been forever since I've updated this thing. I've been staying pretty busy and don't have a lot of time to get my blog on. What can I say? Gee...so much has happened since the last time that I wrote. The majority of the snow has melted now, the arctic flowers are blooming. So far this season I have seen three bears, musk ox, caribou, varioius species of birds, ground squirrels. The white fish haven't made there way here yet, but I would like to do some fishing some time.
Time is running together and days are just passing by. It seemed I blinked and it was July. I will spend my 29th birthday in the arctic. It's kind of meaningless to keep time. My inner clock is broken. Between not having any obligations in the real world and it being light 24/7, I have no reason to keep track really. It's kind of comforting, actually.
There are certain things that I used to view as really important that now seem completely meaningless. There are things that I didn't even notice before, that I took for granted, simple things....that I appreciate so much more. For instance, the voices of family and friends. Graceful changing of the seasons. The weather here is kind of an adventure in and of itself. I am an imposter martian working on Mars. I notice every little change. Small things seem much more drastic. It is getting kind of green up here now. It is a nice change from brown, gray, and white. The river is so beautiful to me. If most would come up here and see it, they would probably shrug and say, "It's just a river". But to me it is this massive life force. It's invigorating just to listen to it. It almost makes up for the lack of trees.
I feel like I am changing a lot. I have become kind of privy to this place. Although if I were to try and explain it to you, I would fail miserably. It is something subtle yet profound. Like waves against the rocks making sharp corners soft.
I keep those I love in my thoughts always.
I love and miss you all,
Steph.
I came across this the other day and found it interesting.
"Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a person’s sexual choice is the result and sum of their fundamental convictions. Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves. No matter what corruption they’re taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which they cannot perform for any motive but their own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity! - an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exultation, only on the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces them to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and accept their real ego as their standard of value. They will always be attracted to the person who reflects their deepest vision of themselves, the person whose surrender permits them to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else.”
- Ayn Rand
Well, here it is...week three at Deadhorse Camp in the good ole arctic. Not a whole lot of pressing news to report this week, other than I have been getting out and going for walks every chance I get. This place really does have a beauty all it's own. Simply the intensity of the sun is something to experience. The enormous sky seems to swallow you. Natures gorgeous snow sculptures that the wind created with our last blizzard. Now the rocks and the river bed are starting to peek out from under the snow and life is slowly starting to return.
A couple of days ago I saw a gorgeous Snow Bunting just outside the camp and on my walk today I saw some geese. This does not seem like a big deal, but after 8 months of the silence of winter, every new development is exciting for folks up here. I cannot wait for the migration! Every day that I go out, I hope to see something new.
Today was rather cold on my walk (at least for this Tennessee girl.) It was -3. The sun was out and beaming strong though which definitely softened the blow. I am going to have to invest in some warmer pants, as my tooshy got frost nipped a little. I've been playing it by ear as far as supplies. It's an interesting contrast here. When I'm walking along the Dalton, one side is a lake, a river, miles and miles of tundra. The other side is machinery, trucks, and other various equiptment. man vs nature. The age old battle and I'm somewhere in the middle.
The only things I have to keep me entertained in my free time are my ipod, two books, five movies, and my guitar. That is all i could bring with me on the plane. My ipod froze today and now it is not working. Both books I have read. All five movies I have watched. So, what to do? I really don't want to start accumulating too much stuff. I'm thinking of purchasing some pretty stationary for writing letters, a couple small canvases and some pastels, a larger journal for scribbling, and a condensor mic. When I receive my laptop, I can hook my condensor mic up to it and use it for recording. Who knows, maybe I will write and record an album here this summer. That would be fun! Recording in my little drill unit in Prudoe Bay, Alaska. CRAZY, huh? Oh! And I absolutely need a new camera!
I have started to collect rocks. There are some very pretty fossils and stones lying around if you pay attention. Perhaps I will take the prettiest ones and have them polished and wrap them into necklaces for gifts. (or for me!) Ha.
Boy, the things that I have taken for granted! The luxuries of life that I consumed without so much as a second thought. Like....body wash! (Oh girlie, smelly, silky body wash...how I miss thee.)Yes, I shower peeps with awesome bar soap. Just like those archaic cave people did.
Personally, I am getting more adjusted. My sleep patterns are balancing out a little more. I find I don't really care if the sun is shining when I fall asleep anymore. In fact, every ray of sunshine is a comfort to me. I'm becoming hungry for it like a sun starved animal. 24 hours of daylight sounds glorious! What is happening to me? ha. The past four nights I've slept with my curtains open. (I have a very decent view of the tundra from my room). It makes me happy.
Well, I am out of words for now, so I'm signing off. Happy trails to you.
Love,
Steph.
What is there to do during a blizzard you ask? Suit up and build an igloo of course! One of the regular guests and I built it together. He made a snow saw out of a piece of sheet metal and we cut blocks of snow out. Those suckers were heavy! It ended up being pretty cozy inside. It turned out pretty lopsided, but we had fun! I am hoping to build another more snazzy one before the snow melts in a month or so.
Here is a song I wrote today. It's not very good, but there are some things that I do like about it. :)
I'm like a prisoner that's been set free,
Only it 'aint like it is on TV.
I'm not scared of most anything under the sky,
But I sure am afraid of my own eyes.
My own eyes.
All of the roads that've been paved inside
They've led me in circles so I'm starting over.
I'm using my instinct and wisdom as a guide
And I won't be looking over my shoulder.
I've seen it your way a million times.
I've shifted shapes just to look through your blinds.
I cannot even tell you the things that I've sacrificed
To avoid the questions in my own eyes
My own eyes.
I'm not afraid of the dark or the light
I've wandered in places some fear to tread
I've laid beside some and held them all night
Given away my heart to revive some from the dead.
I don't care much
'Cause it's all worth the price
Is anyone brave enough to love the woman hidden behind
My own eyes
Well, here it is. My second week in Deadhorse Camp. I've decided I will try to give updates weekly, on Fridays. What to say? I'm currently experiencing my first arctic blizzard, which is really cool! It could very well be the last one of the season, so I am very happy to be here to see it. I went out briefly and played in it for awhile today. The formations that the wind creates out of the snow is really quite beautiful. I slid down a snow hill a couple of times. It was fun! I also saw two musk oxen wandering around a couple of days ago. I love it here when it's sunny! When it's cloudy and over cast it can weigh me down a little. It is cool getting off work late...around 9 or 10 pm and the sun still shining. It makes me feel like my day is not over yet! It's a strange thing to describe. This is not very good for sleeping though. My sleep patterns are random. Some nights I cannot sleep at all and other nights I sleep fine. I'm hoping all of this will iron out in a couple more weeks. Thankfully, last night was a good sleeping night.
I've settled in a little more. Trying to keep myself occupied. I've stayed busy with work, but it looks like I will have a couple of days off, so I have been catching up on some reading and on writing. I will spend tonight writing down some personal challenges and goals to complete before the fall.
Emotionally I must admit I still feel kind of chaotic. I still struggle some at night. I hate feeling lonely. It sucks. I also know though that I have to learn to hold myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To be at peace and embrace life and those around me. I know this is good for me. It does hurt but not all the time. This too shall pass. I try not to let it control me or weigh me down too much. I don't want to let those thoughts impede on such an amazing experience as this. Is this the burden that some people learn to carry in life? I never thought this would be my fate, but it is what it is. The pain must dull after awhile. I wouldn't say I'm home sick. I'm loving Alaska! I do miss my loved ones, though. Please write. It means more than you know.
Love,
Steph.
Here I am in Deadhorse, Alaska. Tomorrow will make a week. It is so flat and white and very bright. You can see for miles across the tundra. You can see the mountains in the distance. It's 12 am and the sun has not quite set yet. This is a very pretty time of day. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between the sky and the ground. The horizon gets blurred. It's surreal. It's mars on earth. I am so excited to get to experience this.
These are all random thoughts with no particular order--but hey, it's my blog and no one reads this anyway so I don't give a damn.
I have been displaced. Dislodged. Out of whack. I feel really alone here. I mean REALLY. I thought I was used to that, but I didn't have a clue. It's me and hundreds of miles of tundra. Yet I am very safe and very well taken care of. I can't hide myself here. What you see is what you get. Facades are so useless and no one gives a shit. It's refreshing. It's scary. Good day or bad...hair looking like it would had I stuck my hand in a light socket...bright eyes...teary eyes, people here are going to know it. They just smile, shrug their shoulders. No big deal. To me, it seems like a big deal. But why is being myself a big deal? Why can't I just be? Exhale. Take in the moment each second that passes? People like it or they don't....it all doesn't make much of a difference in the end.
I'm used to the feeling of tension, the fight to keep my head above water (bills, society and such), survival. I don't really have that here. It's actually very peaceful. Relatively stress free. The only thing I have to worry about is Deadhorse camp. The only thing I have left to fight now is myself. Hey, I'm human. I'm working on it. I'm still getting adjusted. Nights are difficult. I have a compulsion to be held. Falling asleep alone never seemed to bother me that much before but it does lately. The lonliness I feel is intense. I just want want to lay in complete silence and be held by somebody. No words just a human soul as close to me as possible. But it's just me. What's the answer? The answer is that there are no answers...only moments. Millions of moments that I should be embracing.
I see the world as really beautiful and really sad. Deadhorse reminds me of this. Every place is different versions of that very thought but here it is all so extreme. Perhaps because it is still new to me. The everything/nothingness...the vastness of it all makes my heart ache. It also makes it sing. There is such a thin line between joy and pain. I mean really. They seem to overlap each other constantly.
I really want to go sledding. Hmm...maybe I will.
No presumtions.
No expectations.
Only love.
peace.
They say the sweetest winds blow across the south
In a way I agree with this.
Everytime I'm broken down, I find a place to fall
Beneath the old oak by the pond.
There is hidden treasure in the faces of home
Comfort, and leisure, and a pillow to bone.
But I can't stay here forever
I feel I will waste away
Like a fruit rotting on the ground.
I know you don't understand
And I know you don't agree
But please, before I go
Hold me close and kiss my head and show me your eyes.
Let me hear your laugh
And let me see your smile.
I want to tuck the memory as deeply as I can
For one day I will need it when I'm in the shadow lands.
Don't forget me
Some were born with roots
And some were born with none
I wish I was like you
But in another way I don't.
Because if I was I would never see a thing
Half of my heart would be hanging on the stars.
Just because I like to move
Doesn't mean that I don't care
Doesn't mean I won't take you with me.
Doesn't mean that I am running.
Doesn't mean that I am lost.
But how could you understand that
When you're fine where you're at?
Come with me and I'll buy you a gift
On you I'll spend my last dime.
Let our words be few and our feet be swift
Because I don't have much time.
I'm sorry that it has been awhile since we have spoken. I have been so distracted by this mysterious thing called life, but that is no excuse. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you and I love you. Sometimes I question why on earth you put me on this crazy planet, but I know that no matter what happens I can count on you to be there for me. People fail, but you never do. Throughout my whole life you have always kept your hand on me. There are so many times that I could have been harmed physically, spiritually, or emotionally and you protected me by your grace. So many times my heart was broken and I felt no one understood me and I reached for you and you comforted me with your acceptance and love. So many times I have fallen short and made mistakes and you offered me the most beautiful thing of all: forgiveness and a new start. I'm not asking you for any of those things today. I don't want to ask you for anything. I simply want to thank you for this beautiful day. I want to thank you for your love. I want to sing a song just for you and I want to let you know that even though I may not say it like I should, you were my FIRST love and you still are...
My three vices are nail polish, food, and itunes. Not in that order. However, I have been stuck in a bit of a rut lately with my music purchasing. The only thing I seem to be interested in listening to is Brandi Carlile ("The Story") and The Avett Brothers ("I and Love and You"). I love it, okay? However, I am finally getting a little burned out and to go with my fresh start I want to get fresh with some new bands. I need music that will get me motivated, help me to forget, and occasionally to let me sulk.
While listening to pandora.com one day, (I would streamline pandora through my veins if I could) I heard a song that took me waaay back to 8th grade. That's right. Ode to My Family, by the Cranberries. I forgot how much I used to love them and now I have been lusting for their ethereal sounds. When I was about 14 years old, I was a HUGE fan of Ms. Delores with her throaty, lovely brogue. In fact, she may of helped teach me how to sing. She could sing a song about monkey poop and make it sound mysterious. They have a double disc greatest hits and I think this will be my first purchase. Suggestions...?
It is hard to believe that in a little more than three weeks I am going to be on a plane on my way to Deadhorse, Alaska. When I think of myself this time last year, I never would have IMAGINED that this is the path I am now walking towards. I am afraid, but I am going to do it anyway.
I am trying to prepare myself for this welcomed shock to my system, although I am sure I can never fully "prepare myself". I wonder, how conditioned am I to society and to civilization? How self sustaining am I REALLY? What will it be like when everything I know is stripped? How durable am I? What am I really made of? How will I rebuild myself? Admidetly these last few months have been difficult for me. I have lost someone in my life that I dearly loved. I have sold or given away the majority of my posessions. Something I didn't think would bother me, but kind of did. There have been money problems and all sorts of issues. I have always been a seeker, a survivor and of course I still am but...phew there have been lots of tears. I bet I have cried more in the last three months than I have in the last three years. I like to think of it as "fortifying the ground"...the ground inside me that is.
All things happen for a purpose, right? I believe if we really seek healing, understanding, knowledge, truth, the universe gives us what we need...even if it's not what we expect. I've always believed that hearts are built much stronger than we often have in mind.
What will it feel like when my feet hit the soil, or should I say snow? How will life change for me? I have no idea what the future holds. That is kind of intoxicating though, isn't it? At least to me. The beauty of uncertainty. The beauty of uncharted territory. Of open plans. Of blank pages. Of clean slates. Of silence. Of clean air. It's funny that considering I am going to be so isolated, my biggest concerns seem to be social. I am serious. I am quirky. I am weird. I have never lived with anyone that I wasn't sleeping with or who wasn't family. (With the exception of my best friend, who you might as well call family.) I never had the whole "going away to college experience." I have been working since I was 15 years old. I never went to summer camp or anything like that as a kid. I think I was in girl scouts for a year in elementery school. I barely remember it. I barely remember a lot of things. There are large chunks of my life that I don't remember. I'm not exagerrating. I'm not sure if I have a horrible memory or if it's some odd defense mechanism I have developed. Perhaps a combination of both.
My life feels like one jumbled mass. Like the streets in Boston. The roads paved inside. How did they get there? How do I unpave them? Do I want to? Like a container full of puzzle pieces. Where do I start? It's weird. There are parts of me that are quite social (maybe musically or artistically) then there are other parts of me that have always felt like kind of an out cast, out of place. Parts I hide. I am quite shy really and I admit that I have a fear of being judged--something that stems from the way I was raised. It is my hope to make awesome new friendships. But uh...my heart pounds in nervousness. What will I say? What will they think of this Tennessean/Illinoian hybrid with her love of converse, sweet tea, soul food, her twangish songs, her weird sayings like "hankering" and "fixin to"? What will they think of her awkwardness? I guess there is no need to dramatize it. Everything starts with a hello, right?
This should give you a sort of answer to the question I have been getting over and over since making this desicion. "Why are you going there?" What are my goals? Mainly? Self improvement. I am going to write more, read more, pray more, work more. Go out of my comfort zone, challenge myself. Meet more people. Hopefully laugh a little more. After all the rain... I welcome those 60+ odd days of sun. Bring it on!
Strong.
A tiny seed
Wrapped up in frozen mud
Spring will come.
Strong.
Winds of change shake the leaves
But roots grow further down
Transformation comes.
Strong.
Shattered pieces
fly wildly in the wind
Clear the ground to start again.
Strong
Faith will fade
in things not built to last
It only means I'm moving towards the truth
Strong.
Storm clouds of emotion shift
Filling my head with fire and rain
Take me higher in a plane
Sun it shines above the pain.
Strong.
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