Random Sleepless Thoughts...

Here I am in Deadhorse, Alaska. Tomorrow will make a week. It is so flat and white and very bright. You can see for miles across the tundra. You can see the mountains in the distance. It's 12 am and the sun has not quite set yet. This is a very pretty time of day. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between the sky and the ground. The horizon gets blurred. It's surreal. It's mars on earth. I am so excited to get to experience this.

These are all random thoughts with no particular order--but hey, it's my blog and no one reads this anyway so I don't give a damn.

I have been displaced. Dislodged. Out of whack. I feel really alone here. I mean REALLY. I thought I was used to that, but I didn't have a clue. It's me and hundreds of miles of tundra. Yet I am very safe and very well taken care of. I can't hide myself here. What you see is what you get. Facades are so useless and no one gives a shit. It's refreshing. It's scary. Good day or bad...hair looking like it would had I stuck my hand in a light socket...bright eyes...teary eyes, people here are going to know it. They just smile, shrug their shoulders. No big deal. To me, it seems like a big deal. But why is being myself a big deal? Why can't I just be? Exhale. Take in the moment each second that passes? People like it or they don't....it all doesn't make much of a difference in the end.

I'm used to the feeling of tension, the fight to keep my head above water (bills, society and such), survival. I don't really have that here. It's actually very peaceful. Relatively stress free. The only thing I have to worry about is Deadhorse camp. The only thing I have left to fight now is myself. Hey, I'm human. I'm working on it. I'm still getting adjusted. Nights are difficult. I have a compulsion to be held. Falling asleep alone never seemed to bother me that much before but it does lately. The lonliness I feel is intense. I just want want to lay in complete silence and be held by somebody. No words just a human soul as close to me as possible. But it's just me. What's the answer? The answer is that there are no answers...only moments. Millions of moments that I should be embracing.

I see the world as really beautiful and really sad. Deadhorse reminds me of this. Every place is different versions of that very thought but here it is all so extreme. Perhaps because it is still new to me. The everything/nothingness...the vastness of it all makes my heart ache. It also makes it sing. There is such a thin line between joy and pain. I mean really. They seem to overlap each other constantly.

I really want to go sledding. Hmm...maybe I will.

No presumtions.
No expectations.
Only love.
peace.