My Own Eyes/Deadhorse Update.

Here is a song I wrote today. It's not very good, but there are some things that I do like about it. :)

I'm like a prisoner that's been set free,
Only it 'aint like it is on TV.
I'm not scared of most anything under the sky,
But I sure am afraid of my own eyes.

My own eyes.

All of the roads that've been paved inside
They've led me in circles so I'm starting over.
I'm using my instinct and wisdom as a guide
And I won't be looking over my shoulder.

I've seen it your way a million times.
I've shifted shapes just to look through your blinds.
I cannot even tell you the things that I've sacrificed
To avoid the questions in my own eyes

My own eyes.

I'm not afraid of the dark or the light
I've wandered in places some fear to tread
I've laid beside some and held them all night
Given away my heart to revive some from the dead.

I don't care much
'Cause it's all worth the price
Is anyone brave enough to love the woman hidden behind
My own eyes



Well, here it is. My second week in Deadhorse Camp. I've decided I will try to give updates weekly, on Fridays. What to say? I'm currently experiencing my first arctic blizzard, which is really cool! It could very well be the last one of the season, so I am very happy to be here to see it. I went out briefly and played in it for awhile today. The formations that the wind creates out of the snow is really quite beautiful. I slid down a snow hill a couple of times. It was fun! I also saw two musk oxen wandering around a couple of days ago. I love it here when it's sunny! When it's cloudy and over cast it can weigh me down a little. It is cool getting off work late...around 9 or 10 pm and the sun still shining. It makes me feel like my day is not over yet! It's a strange thing to describe. This is not very good for sleeping though. My sleep patterns are random. Some nights I cannot sleep at all and other nights I sleep fine. I'm hoping all of this will iron out in a couple more weeks. Thankfully, last night was a good sleeping night.
I've settled in a little more. Trying to keep myself occupied. I've stayed busy with work, but it looks like I will have a couple of days off, so I have been catching up on some reading and on writing. I will spend tonight writing down some personal challenges and goals to complete before the fall.
Emotionally I must admit I still feel kind of chaotic. I still struggle some at night. I hate feeling lonely. It sucks. I also know though that I have to learn to hold myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To be at peace and embrace life and those around me. I know this is good for me. It does hurt but not all the time. This too shall pass. I try not to let it control me or weigh me down too much. I don't want to let those thoughts impede on such an amazing experience as this. Is this the burden that some people learn to carry in life? I never thought this would be my fate, but it is what it is. The pain must dull after awhile. I wouldn't say I'm home sick. I'm loving Alaska! I do miss my loved ones, though. Please write. It means more than you know.

Love,
Steph.