It is hard to believe that in a little more than three weeks I am going to be on a plane on my way to Deadhorse, Alaska. When I think of myself this time last year, I never would have IMAGINED that this is the path I am now walking towards. I am afraid, but I am going to do it anyway.
I am trying to prepare myself for this welcomed shock to my system, although I am sure I can never fully "prepare myself". I wonder, how conditioned am I to society and to civilization? How self sustaining am I REALLY? What will it be like when everything I know is stripped? How durable am I? What am I really made of? How will I rebuild myself? Admidetly these last few months have been difficult for me. I have lost someone in my life that I dearly loved. I have sold or given away the majority of my posessions. Something I didn't think would bother me, but kind of did. There have been money problems and all sorts of issues. I have always been a seeker, a survivor and of course I still am but...phew there have been lots of tears. I bet I have cried more in the last three months than I have in the last three years. I like to think of it as "fortifying the ground"...the ground inside me that is.
All things happen for a purpose, right? I believe if we really seek healing, understanding, knowledge, truth, the universe gives us what we need...even if it's not what we expect. I've always believed that hearts are built much stronger than we often have in mind.
What will it feel like when my feet hit the soil, or should I say snow? How will life change for me? I have no idea what the future holds. That is kind of intoxicating though, isn't it? At least to me. The beauty of uncertainty. The beauty of uncharted territory. Of open plans. Of blank pages. Of clean slates. Of silence. Of clean air. It's funny that considering I am going to be so isolated, my biggest concerns seem to be social. I am serious. I am quirky. I am weird. I have never lived with anyone that I wasn't sleeping with or who wasn't family. (With the exception of my best friend, who you might as well call family.) I never had the whole "going away to college experience." I have been working since I was 15 years old. I never went to summer camp or anything like that as a kid. I think I was in girl scouts for a year in elementery school. I barely remember it. I barely remember a lot of things. There are large chunks of my life that I don't remember. I'm not exagerrating. I'm not sure if I have a horrible memory or if it's some odd defense mechanism I have developed. Perhaps a combination of both.
My life feels like one jumbled mass. Like the streets in Boston. The roads paved inside. How did they get there? How do I unpave them? Do I want to? Like a container full of puzzle pieces. Where do I start? It's weird. There are parts of me that are quite social (maybe musically or artistically) then there are other parts of me that have always felt like kind of an out cast, out of place. Parts I hide. I am quite shy really and I admit that I have a fear of being judged--something that stems from the way I was raised. It is my hope to make awesome new friendships. But uh...my heart pounds in nervousness. What will I say? What will they think of this Tennessean/Illinoian hybrid with her love of converse, sweet tea, soul food, her twangish songs, her weird sayings like "hankering" and "fixin to"? What will they think of her awkwardness? I guess there is no need to dramatize it. Everything starts with a hello, right?
This should give you a sort of answer to the question I have been getting over and over since making this desicion. "Why are you going there?" What are my goals? Mainly? Self improvement. I am going to write more, read more, pray more, work more. Go out of my comfort zone, challenge myself. Meet more people. Hopefully laugh a little more. After all the rain... I welcome those 60+ odd days of sun. Bring it on!
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