I LOVE SUN!!!

So, the sun is finally coming out around here. Oh, how I have missed it. Dawn has broken and it is glorious, folks. Let me just encapsulate this moment with Katrina and the Waves.

No Apologies

I refuse to apologize for who I am or for the truth. People act as if sadness is the plague, but I feel it is normal. Tonight I cry for the lowly, poor, and afraid....for the rejected, awkward, and insane. For the voices, brilliant, snuffed into the ground. And most of all for the beautiful pearls hidden in their shells. All the love lost...and all the love never found.

Thoughts....

That was the worst title ever. I hate titles.

Anyway...on to the blogging...

There are some days where we all should have a liscence to just let our hair down a little. Where we give ourselves some room to simply be sad, or crazy...to let it all out. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I woke up feeling completely off. Full of nervous energy, antsy, cabin feverish. I am in the arctic winter after all. Sometimes I can not be cognizant of that or take it for granted. You could say that I didn't deal with those feelings in the best way, however, I actually learned something from my self induced debauchry. I feel much better today. It was kind of nice being gentle with myself and simply admiting, "You know what? I feel like shit. This is how I feel and Im not putting on a smile for you."

To my surprise, everyone around me (and all those not "around" me that I spoke with via telephone) were incredibly supportive. I guess I am learning to trust a little more again and be vulnerable? After telling my friend that I was a total hot mess and felt half way insane he said, "Wow! That sounds like fun!" You know you have some amazing friends in your life when they can saddle up beside you on any given day. Good day, bad day, happy, sad, ugly, no makeup, dressed to the hilt, confused, sad, what have you. I do not know why this felt so freeing and such a revelation to me. Perhaps somehow I have developed the impression that nothing is built to last....that people are inherently judgmental...that they will leave you when you're down. I hate that I view the world with such a cynical eye these days. But love and hope ARE much bigger than the confusion and sadness all around me. That brings me comfort and inspires me to do better. I am strong, worthy, and capable. I am also flighty, moody, and sensitive. And you know what? For the first time, maybe ever, I think that is okay.

And all of you, my friends, (the three that read this blog!!!) :p, thank you for being you!

Love,
Me.

Lonely Girls

Lonely girls swallow hard at night
Fighting off sleep
Because dreaming is the saddest time.
A quiet longing
And searing heat
Folded up inside
Take it to work and in the car
To the grocery store and to the bar
And finally lay down
With a soul of desire
Emptiness running through
Like horses on fire.

Having You Around

I don't want to like you
But we both know I do
It's a fault of woman
To disregard the truth
But there's something about the way you think
That kind of sets me free
And when you crack open my mind
It does something to me.

Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you
I am not the type to pin you down
So, I'll just say it's nice having you around.

Unlock my kiss
But you're still far from my heart
I keep myself removed just in case I fall apart
You should sense that I am delicate
In so many ways
That's why when you reach for me
I always push away

Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you
I am not the type to pin you down
So I'll just say it's nice having you around.

Having you around is the highlight of my day
Read me like a book then you memorize the page
Take a second look at what's written 'tween the lines
Because I don't want to theorize.

There's a secret in your smile
Shared only by me
A secret that I carry too
one so inviting
But all of the things we shared last night
I bury in my skin
They wither in the morning light
And I'm alone again.

Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you.
I am not the type to pin you down
So I'll just say it's nice having you around

Having you around is the highlight of my day
Read me like a book then you memorize the page
Take a second look at what's written 'tween the lines
Because I don't want to theorize.

Raw Version

These are lyrics to a song inpired by the arctic that I just finished. (I think). I wrote it after having been here about three weeks and I thought I was done. I have written quite a few things since I've been here, but I kept coming back to this one because it was interesting to revisit the feelings of shock and newness that I initially felt after having just arrived. I used it as a sort of way to measure my own personal growth and such.
A few days ago I listened to it again and decided that it was not really finished. I needed to add my current perspective in order to give the song the evolution that it deserved. So, the first half remains what I initially wrote and the second half is now.

Raw Version

White.
Horizon blurs with a billion shades of white.
Cry.
I'm missing someone and I don't remember why.

A raw version of myself,
Skin and bone against the grate.
A raw version of myself,
I feel the animal
The animal awakes.

Strip me clean of everything I know
Shove my fingers deep inside my coat.
I'm truly on my own
A strange feeling keeps me up at night
I grope for shadows
Somewhere in this light.

A raw version of myself
Claw my arm to keep me warm
A raw version of myself
I could die, or is it I could be reborn?

Go for a walk
There's no one to walk with me
But the sky does make great company
The sun my clemency.
I feel the pieces settle again inside
All the silence leaves me no where to hide
And now I know I've been living blind.

A raw version of myself
I feel innocent and pure.
A raw verson of myself
It's who I really am
And who I was before.

Hello, Winter...

Wind breaks across the water,
And I am way underneath the surface,
Towards the bottom.
Still, I can feel the slightest of movement
Like the faintest of echoes.

Silence has a way of penetrating you
Emptying you out
Yet, also filling you
Winter wraps around me like a dark velvet cloth
There is comfort in not being exposed.

It's getting darker
But I am not afraid
Cover me in this midnight robe
Let the colors inside of the night
Seap deep within my soul.
A different sort of beauty
Something pure
That reminds me of longing
Bitter sweet.
Beautiful and sad.

Time widens
Almost disappears
The space between us all seems bigger
So big, in fact
That it almost brings us closer
We're all like
Tiny ships
In the same sea
Trying to find our way back to somewhere.