My Own Eyes/Deadhorse Update.

Here is a song I wrote today. It's not very good, but there are some things that I do like about it. :)

I'm like a prisoner that's been set free,
Only it 'aint like it is on TV.
I'm not scared of most anything under the sky,
But I sure am afraid of my own eyes.

My own eyes.

All of the roads that've been paved inside
They've led me in circles so I'm starting over.
I'm using my instinct and wisdom as a guide
And I won't be looking over my shoulder.

I've seen it your way a million times.
I've shifted shapes just to look through your blinds.
I cannot even tell you the things that I've sacrificed
To avoid the questions in my own eyes

My own eyes.

I'm not afraid of the dark or the light
I've wandered in places some fear to tread
I've laid beside some and held them all night
Given away my heart to revive some from the dead.

I don't care much
'Cause it's all worth the price
Is anyone brave enough to love the woman hidden behind
My own eyes



Well, here it is. My second week in Deadhorse Camp. I've decided I will try to give updates weekly, on Fridays. What to say? I'm currently experiencing my first arctic blizzard, which is really cool! It could very well be the last one of the season, so I am very happy to be here to see it. I went out briefly and played in it for awhile today. The formations that the wind creates out of the snow is really quite beautiful. I slid down a snow hill a couple of times. It was fun! I also saw two musk oxen wandering around a couple of days ago. I love it here when it's sunny! When it's cloudy and over cast it can weigh me down a little. It is cool getting off work late...around 9 or 10 pm and the sun still shining. It makes me feel like my day is not over yet! It's a strange thing to describe. This is not very good for sleeping though. My sleep patterns are random. Some nights I cannot sleep at all and other nights I sleep fine. I'm hoping all of this will iron out in a couple more weeks. Thankfully, last night was a good sleeping night.
I've settled in a little more. Trying to keep myself occupied. I've stayed busy with work, but it looks like I will have a couple of days off, so I have been catching up on some reading and on writing. I will spend tonight writing down some personal challenges and goals to complete before the fall.
Emotionally I must admit I still feel kind of chaotic. I still struggle some at night. I hate feeling lonely. It sucks. I also know though that I have to learn to hold myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To be at peace and embrace life and those around me. I know this is good for me. It does hurt but not all the time. This too shall pass. I try not to let it control me or weigh me down too much. I don't want to let those thoughts impede on such an amazing experience as this. Is this the burden that some people learn to carry in life? I never thought this would be my fate, but it is what it is. The pain must dull after awhile. I wouldn't say I'm home sick. I'm loving Alaska! I do miss my loved ones, though. Please write. It means more than you know.

Love,
Steph.

Random Sleepless Thoughts...

Here I am in Deadhorse, Alaska. Tomorrow will make a week. It is so flat and white and very bright. You can see for miles across the tundra. You can see the mountains in the distance. It's 12 am and the sun has not quite set yet. This is a very pretty time of day. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between the sky and the ground. The horizon gets blurred. It's surreal. It's mars on earth. I am so excited to get to experience this.

These are all random thoughts with no particular order--but hey, it's my blog and no one reads this anyway so I don't give a damn.

I have been displaced. Dislodged. Out of whack. I feel really alone here. I mean REALLY. I thought I was used to that, but I didn't have a clue. It's me and hundreds of miles of tundra. Yet I am very safe and very well taken care of. I can't hide myself here. What you see is what you get. Facades are so useless and no one gives a shit. It's refreshing. It's scary. Good day or bad...hair looking like it would had I stuck my hand in a light socket...bright eyes...teary eyes, people here are going to know it. They just smile, shrug their shoulders. No big deal. To me, it seems like a big deal. But why is being myself a big deal? Why can't I just be? Exhale. Take in the moment each second that passes? People like it or they don't....it all doesn't make much of a difference in the end.

I'm used to the feeling of tension, the fight to keep my head above water (bills, society and such), survival. I don't really have that here. It's actually very peaceful. Relatively stress free. The only thing I have to worry about is Deadhorse camp. The only thing I have left to fight now is myself. Hey, I'm human. I'm working on it. I'm still getting adjusted. Nights are difficult. I have a compulsion to be held. Falling asleep alone never seemed to bother me that much before but it does lately. The lonliness I feel is intense. I just want want to lay in complete silence and be held by somebody. No words just a human soul as close to me as possible. But it's just me. What's the answer? The answer is that there are no answers...only moments. Millions of moments that I should be embracing.

I see the world as really beautiful and really sad. Deadhorse reminds me of this. Every place is different versions of that very thought but here it is all so extreme. Perhaps because it is still new to me. The everything/nothingness...the vastness of it all makes my heart ache. It also makes it sing. There is such a thin line between joy and pain. I mean really. They seem to overlap each other constantly.

I really want to go sledding. Hmm...maybe I will.

No presumtions.
No expectations.
Only love.
peace.

Goodbye, for now

They say the sweetest winds blow across the south
In a way I agree with this.
Everytime I'm broken down, I find a place to fall
Beneath the old oak by the pond.
There is hidden treasure in the faces of home
Comfort, and leisure, and a pillow to bone.
But I can't stay here forever
I feel I will waste away
Like a fruit rotting on the ground.
I know you don't understand
And I know you don't agree
But please, before I go
Hold me close and kiss my head and show me your eyes.
Let me hear your laugh
And let me see your smile.
I want to tuck the memory as deeply as I can
For one day I will need it when I'm in the shadow lands.
Don't forget me
Some were born with roots
And some were born with none
I wish I was like you
But in another way I don't.
Because if I was I would never see a thing
Half of my heart would be hanging on the stars.
Just because I like to move
Doesn't mean that I don't care
Doesn't mean I won't take you with me.
Doesn't mean that I am running.
Doesn't mean that I am lost.
But how could you understand that
When you're fine where you're at?
Come with me and I'll buy you a gift
On you I'll spend my last dime.
Let our words be few and our feet be swift
Because I don't have much time.

Dear God,

I'm sorry that it has been awhile since we have spoken. I have been so distracted by this mysterious thing called life, but that is no excuse. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you and I love you. Sometimes I question why on earth you put me on this crazy planet, but I know that no matter what happens I can count on you to be there for me. People fail, but you never do. Throughout my whole life you have always kept your hand on me. There are so many times that I could have been harmed physically, spiritually, or emotionally and you protected me by your grace. So many times my heart was broken and I felt no one understood me and I reached for you and you comforted me with your acceptance and love. So many times I have fallen short and made mistakes and you offered me the most beautiful thing of all: forgiveness and a new start. I'm not asking you for any of those things today. I don't want to ask you for anything. I simply want to thank you for this beautiful day. I want to thank you for your love. I want to sing a song just for you and I want to let you know that even though I may not say it like I should, you were my FIRST love and you still are...

Where's When I Was Young and I Didn't Give a Damn

My three vices are nail polish, food, and itunes. Not in that order. However, I have been stuck in a bit of a rut lately with my music purchasing. The only thing I seem to be interested in listening to is Brandi Carlile ("The Story") and The Avett Brothers ("I and Love and You"). I love it, okay? However, I am finally getting a little burned out and to go with my fresh start I want to get fresh with some new bands. I need music that will get me motivated, help me to forget, and occasionally to let me sulk.

While listening to pandora.com one day, (I would streamline pandora through my veins if I could) I heard a song that took me waaay back to 8th grade. That's right. Ode to My Family, by the Cranberries. I forgot how much I used to love them and now I have been lusting for their ethereal sounds. When I was about 14 years old, I was a HUGE fan of Ms. Delores with her throaty, lovely brogue. In fact, she may of helped teach me how to sing. She could sing a song about monkey poop and make it sound mysterious. They have a double disc greatest hits and I think this will be my first purchase. Suggestions...?

Getting Ready...

It is hard to believe that in a little more than three weeks I am going to be on a plane on my way to Deadhorse, Alaska. When I think of myself this time last year, I never would have IMAGINED that this is the path I am now walking towards. I am afraid, but I am going to do it anyway.

I am trying to prepare myself for this welcomed shock to my system, although I am sure I can never fully "prepare myself". I wonder, how conditioned am I to society and to civilization? How self sustaining am I REALLY? What will it be like when everything I know is stripped? How durable am I? What am I really made of? How will I rebuild myself? Admidetly these last few months have been difficult for me. I have lost someone in my life that I dearly loved. I have sold or given away the majority of my posessions. Something I didn't think would bother me, but kind of did. There have been money problems and all sorts of issues. I have always been a seeker, a survivor and of course I still am but...phew there have been lots of tears. I bet I have cried more in the last three months than I have in the last three years. I like to think of it as "fortifying the ground"...the ground inside me that is.

All things happen for a purpose, right? I believe if we really seek healing, understanding, knowledge, truth, the universe gives us what we need...even if it's not what we expect. I've always believed that hearts are built much stronger than we often have in mind.

What will it feel like when my feet hit the soil, or should I say snow? How will life change for me? I have no idea what the future holds. That is kind of intoxicating though, isn't it? At least to me. The beauty of uncertainty. The beauty of uncharted territory. Of open plans. Of blank pages. Of clean slates. Of silence. Of clean air. It's funny that considering I am going to be so isolated, my biggest concerns seem to be social. I am serious. I am quirky. I am weird. I have never lived with anyone that I wasn't sleeping with or who wasn't family. (With the exception of my best friend, who you might as well call family.) I never had the whole "going away to college experience." I have been working since I was 15 years old. I never went to summer camp or anything like that as a kid. I think I was in girl scouts for a year in elementery school. I barely remember it. I barely remember a lot of things. There are large chunks of my life that I don't remember. I'm not exagerrating. I'm not sure if I have a horrible memory or if it's some odd defense mechanism I have developed. Perhaps a combination of both.

My life feels like one jumbled mass. Like the streets in Boston. The roads paved inside. How did they get there? How do I unpave them? Do I want to? Like a container full of puzzle pieces. Where do I start? It's weird. There are parts of me that are quite social (maybe musically or artistically) then there are other parts of me that have always felt like kind of an out cast, out of place. Parts I hide. I am quite shy really and I admit that I have a fear of being judged--something that stems from the way I was raised. It is my hope to make awesome new friendships. But uh...my heart pounds in nervousness. What will I say? What will they think of this Tennessean/Illinoian hybrid with her love of converse, sweet tea, soul food, her twangish songs, her weird sayings like "hankering" and "fixin to"? What will they think of her awkwardness? I guess there is no need to dramatize it. Everything starts with a hello, right?

This should give you a sort of answer to the question I have been getting over and over since making this desicion. "Why are you going there?" What are my goals? Mainly? Self improvement. I am going to write more, read more, pray more, work more. Go out of my comfort zone, challenge myself. Meet more people. Hopefully laugh a little more. After all the rain... I welcome those 60+ odd days of sun. Bring it on!

Despite What You May Think

Strong.
A tiny seed
Wrapped up in frozen mud
Spring will come.
Strong.
Winds of change shake the leaves
But roots grow further down
Transformation comes.
Strong.
Shattered pieces
fly wildly in the wind
Clear the ground to start again.
Strong
Faith will fade
in things not built to last
It only means I'm moving towards the truth
Strong.
Storm clouds of emotion shift
Filling my head with fire and rain
Take me higher in a plane
Sun it shines above the pain.
Strong.