Useless

I made the shot
Watched it go in
Damn
Faulty scoreboard.

The Pulpit

I look towards the pulpit
And see remnants of another time
I know he loves his Jesus,
So why can't he love mine?

So full of words and phrases
The hungry are just outside the door
I stare at empty church pews
And wonder just what for.

"It's because they're all wicked",
He says with a grin
"Funny" I think,
"He doesn't recognize his own sin."

I move up towards the altar
I smell persimmon and sage
But the fragrance is interuppted
By the tearing of a page.

I turn my head to look
and someone pushes me down
"No use aaking questions here,
We never turn around."

They all march like an army
To an uncertain fate
But I try to find my bible
Outside by the gate.

The preacher follows me out
And I try to find his eyes
But they are hidden
Beneath a heavy veil of tyranny and lies.

I know that he can't help it
I can see the fear
I reach out in sympathy
But he refuses to get near.

"No use being frightened"
He tells me as I weep
"Cleanse yourself and go back inside
With all the other sheep."

I reach up to touch my face
to see if there is mud
And was blinded by a vision
Of a wooden cross and blood.

"I think that I'll stay dirty"
I say in a broken tone
"I want to go to heaven,
But I don't want to go alone."

Cast Your Pearls

Don't cast your pearls to the swine
Don't sell your soul for a scrap of bread
His love is a paradyme
His words are fat
But his soul unfed.

You see yourself through a broken mirror
You see yourself in a foggy haze
Look to the left and the coast is clear
But you're looking at death
When you look in his face.

I see you through the eyes of a child
I see you through the eyes of God
Slow disintegration of your smile
And your heart that screams
From the chopping block.

Your only love and your only pain
Your only love pulls you out of your head
You drink the sorrow in the name of change
Instead of loving yourself instead.

Ode to Dads...

I've been living with my father for the past couple of months, which probably sounds lame but it's actually very wonderful. My dad left my life when I was 8 and I never saw him again until I was 19. For years I was deeply saddened, angry, and confused by this...obviously. I was a total daddies girl when I was young. When we first reunited I still had a lot of anger and misunderstanding towards him and I completely gave him hell. But now as adults having the opportunity to get to know him again and be there to spend time with him during the sunset period in his life is awesome. I am hearing his side of the story, which I never heard. It's touching to learn what a truly good man my dad really is. Him and my mom are actually friends now which is something that I never believed would happen. It's amazing to me how things can come around full circle and heal. I no longer question why it is that I had to go through such a tough time. I really know that it shaped who I am, which I am actually grateful for. Who has time for anger and regrets when there is so much love?

We spent the day today cleaning out his spare bedroom, which will soon be my room. (finally...no more couch) He came across some old pictures of us and my brother. I actually started crying. I somehow managed to kind of black out a large chunk of my childhood. Seriously....I do not remember much of it. I've heard that it's some sort of defence mechanism. Anyways...These pictures actually jogged my memory again and I am so happy to have some of my memories back! I kind of feel as if a piece of me has returned. It's a difficult feeling to explain.

Anyways...here's to dad.

Silence, please

Everyone talks too much
Words can be a disease
They squander the love

Most good things
Rot and turn poisonous
So be careful
With your tounge

Everyone acts so happy
Then they cry themselves to sleep at night

Everything is just a fallacy
So, don't talk to me
Just hold me close.

Hold my hand and we can sail away
On a white wave of time
Forget the fear
Forget everything
Just look into my eyes

Everyone loves to fight
They hold their candles to the night
They burn them til the end
All of those candles could outshine the sun
But we're too busy being right

Hold my hand and we can sail away
On a white wave of time
Forget the fear
Forget everything
Just look into my eyes.

Silence, please.

Indifference

To you it's just a word with four letters
To you it is only flesh and chemicals
To you it is simply something that happened to you

Indifference is laziness
Indifference is hate

I thought you were someone else.

Just do me a favor.
Do not continue to blame others.
You lock your heart inside your bedroom
While love stands outside crying.

I cannot live in a time capsule
I cannot sit on a strand
I cannot wait
For you to finally decide
That I'm important enough
To be in your life.

Indifference lets things die.
Indifference stares blankly at a perfect sky.

I thought you were someone else.

Thoughts on love

Has there ever been a person in your life that you adored, that you loved completely and totally, that you knew with the vision in your heart was the one that belonged with you? This person was the one who you burned for, who inspired you, who kept you awake in the night with visions of their face. Have you ever felt a love so deeply that it stripped away every facade and false pretense and cut straight through you? A love so intense that it opened you up made you cry all the tears you could stand? A love so true that the joy you feel in their presence made you smile with all of the sunlight in your heart?

I have felt this kind of love and if you have, you immediately will understand what I mean. If not, you may take in the words and appreciate them, but you will never understand unless you experience it.

The love that I felt for this person made me feel so vulnerable, not weak, just so incredibly bare like an open palm. It's both horrible and lovely at the same time. It's so disarming and so scary. You don't have control over yourself, the walls that you have spent your entire life building to protect yourself, fall in this person's presence. It's just this one person, who really is no different than any other person. But for some reason this person said hello one day or smiled at you and you could feel yourself spiraling. You try to catch your breath, to stand your ground, to keep yourself from losing control, but the moment they kiss you or speak your name--it's involuntary.
Love cannot be possessed. It is a mystery and a precious gift. All you can do is hold it when it's near and kiss it when you feel it inside. You cannot change it or stop it either. It moves with it's subtle, strong force. It takes no regard for time, circumstances, situations, heartaches, ambitions, or fears. It shows up and it blasts through you.

The worst thing ever is when you feel this kind of love and yet you know that you cannot be with this person. For whatever reason you know that it's the wrong time. It's the worst hell you can feel knowing that love is requited and yet because of differences or distance or ambitions, it cannot burn. Yet it burns anyway and you cannot make it stop no matter how much you want to and how much you try not to care. Heartbreak I am convinced is the deepest sadness there is.