The long and short of it

You created a world
Where I could undress
You conjured a place of wonder.
But I wanted the man
Not the clown.
And you are always wearing that damn face paint.

Things I will no longer take for granted...

Sunshine, warmth, humidity, butterflies, lightning bugs, city lights, art, culture, flowers, trees, flowing water, grass, squishy mud between my toes, fresh and juicy fruit, live music, the sound of trains, the smell of dirt, cuddling, the smell of rain, target stores, friendly faces, architecture, houses, alleys, fountains, barefeet on the sidewalk, picnics, the smell of barbeque on a summer night, rolling down hills, walking through the woods, climbing trees...to be continued.

I LOVE SUN!!!

So, the sun is finally coming out around here. Oh, how I have missed it. Dawn has broken and it is glorious, folks. Let me just encapsulate this moment with Katrina and the Waves.

No Apologies

I refuse to apologize for who I am or for the truth. People act as if sadness is the plague, but I feel it is normal. Tonight I cry for the lowly, poor, and afraid....for the rejected, awkward, and insane. For the voices, brilliant, snuffed into the ground. And most of all for the beautiful pearls hidden in their shells. All the love lost...and all the love never found.

Thoughts....

That was the worst title ever. I hate titles.

Anyway...on to the blogging...

There are some days where we all should have a liscence to just let our hair down a little. Where we give ourselves some room to simply be sad, or crazy...to let it all out. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I woke up feeling completely off. Full of nervous energy, antsy, cabin feverish. I am in the arctic winter after all. Sometimes I can not be cognizant of that or take it for granted. You could say that I didn't deal with those feelings in the best way, however, I actually learned something from my self induced debauchry. I feel much better today. It was kind of nice being gentle with myself and simply admiting, "You know what? I feel like shit. This is how I feel and Im not putting on a smile for you."

To my surprise, everyone around me (and all those not "around" me that I spoke with via telephone) were incredibly supportive. I guess I am learning to trust a little more again and be vulnerable? After telling my friend that I was a total hot mess and felt half way insane he said, "Wow! That sounds like fun!" You know you have some amazing friends in your life when they can saddle up beside you on any given day. Good day, bad day, happy, sad, ugly, no makeup, dressed to the hilt, confused, sad, what have you. I do not know why this felt so freeing and such a revelation to me. Perhaps somehow I have developed the impression that nothing is built to last....that people are inherently judgmental...that they will leave you when you're down. I hate that I view the world with such a cynical eye these days. But love and hope ARE much bigger than the confusion and sadness all around me. That brings me comfort and inspires me to do better. I am strong, worthy, and capable. I am also flighty, moody, and sensitive. And you know what? For the first time, maybe ever, I think that is okay.

And all of you, my friends, (the three that read this blog!!!) :p, thank you for being you!

Love,
Me.

Lonely Girls

Lonely girls swallow hard at night
Fighting off sleep
Because dreaming is the saddest time.
A quiet longing
And searing heat
Folded up inside
Take it to work and in the car
To the grocery store and to the bar
And finally lay down
With a soul of desire
Emptiness running through
Like horses on fire.

Having You Around

I don't want to like you
But we both know I do
It's a fault of woman
To disregard the truth
But there's something about the way you think
That kind of sets me free
And when you crack open my mind
It does something to me.

Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you
I am not the type to pin you down
So, I'll just say it's nice having you around.

Unlock my kiss
But you're still far from my heart
I keep myself removed just in case I fall apart
You should sense that I am delicate
In so many ways
That's why when you reach for me
I always push away

Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you
I am not the type to pin you down
So I'll just say it's nice having you around.

Having you around is the highlight of my day
Read me like a book then you memorize the page
Take a second look at what's written 'tween the lines
Because I don't want to theorize.

There's a secret in your smile
Shared only by me
A secret that I carry too
one so inviting
But all of the things we shared last night
I bury in my skin
They wither in the morning light
And I'm alone again.

Just tell me that you'll always tell the truth
And I will walk a mile or so with you.
I am not the type to pin you down
So I'll just say it's nice having you around

Having you around is the highlight of my day
Read me like a book then you memorize the page
Take a second look at what's written 'tween the lines
Because I don't want to theorize.

Raw Version

These are lyrics to a song inpired by the arctic that I just finished. (I think). I wrote it after having been here about three weeks and I thought I was done. I have written quite a few things since I've been here, but I kept coming back to this one because it was interesting to revisit the feelings of shock and newness that I initially felt after having just arrived. I used it as a sort of way to measure my own personal growth and such.
A few days ago I listened to it again and decided that it was not really finished. I needed to add my current perspective in order to give the song the evolution that it deserved. So, the first half remains what I initially wrote and the second half is now.

Raw Version

White.
Horizon blurs with a billion shades of white.
Cry.
I'm missing someone and I don't remember why.

A raw version of myself,
Skin and bone against the grate.
A raw version of myself,
I feel the animal
The animal awakes.

Strip me clean of everything I know
Shove my fingers deep inside my coat.
I'm truly on my own
A strange feeling keeps me up at night
I grope for shadows
Somewhere in this light.

A raw version of myself
Claw my arm to keep me warm
A raw version of myself
I could die, or is it I could be reborn?

Go for a walk
There's no one to walk with me
But the sky does make great company
The sun my clemency.
I feel the pieces settle again inside
All the silence leaves me no where to hide
And now I know I've been living blind.

A raw version of myself
I feel innocent and pure.
A raw verson of myself
It's who I really am
And who I was before.

Hello, Winter...

Wind breaks across the water,
And I am way underneath the surface,
Towards the bottom.
Still, I can feel the slightest of movement
Like the faintest of echoes.

Silence has a way of penetrating you
Emptying you out
Yet, also filling you
Winter wraps around me like a dark velvet cloth
There is comfort in not being exposed.

It's getting darker
But I am not afraid
Cover me in this midnight robe
Let the colors inside of the night
Seap deep within my soul.
A different sort of beauty
Something pure
That reminds me of longing
Bitter sweet.
Beautiful and sad.

Time widens
Almost disappears
The space between us all seems bigger
So big, in fact
That it almost brings us closer
We're all like
Tiny ships
In the same sea
Trying to find our way back to somewhere.

Day 14

Ten places I want to visit before I die.

1.) France. I want to take a tour of the French countryside. Particularly the southeast part of France, but I would love to see Paris and Marseilles as well. I've thought of maybe taking a wine or food tour there...


2.) Egypt. I have always been fascinated with the Nile ever since I was young. I remember reading about it as a child and hearing of it in biblical stories. It always seemed so magical to me. It would be amazing to see it and touch it. I want to see the red sands of the Sahara as well. OH and the pyramids and the sphinx. Egyptian history and culture seems fascinating.

3.) Spain. Oh my. The culture, the food, the music, the agriculture, the art. How amazing! Madrid or Valencia would be cool...or anywhere really. I would like to see the countryside there as well.

4.) Budapest. I've heard it's one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. One of my best friend's mom and dad were born there also, so I've heard so much about it. The architecture is gorgeous! I love the old gothic looking castles, opera houses, buildings, etc.... Also, they have some amazing and gorgeous thermal spas. The best in the world I've heard. They are supposed to be medicinal.

5.) Tokyo. What a mind trip it would be to spend some time there. I hope I inherit about a million dollars so that I can go!

6.) Canada. Particularly Nova Scotia and/or Quebec. I admit my interest was peaked just because of some pictures I saw of Peggy's Cove harbor. Although, there are so many places in Canada that would certainly be worthy of visiting. It's huge!

7.) New England. I've never really spent much time on the east coast, but have always wanted to go. I have heard is lovely there in the fall. This picture is of a farm in Vermont.

8.) Iceland. There is so much to see agriculurally in this tiny country. volcanos, glaciers, waterfalls. Wow wow! It seems like a magical place.

9.) Australia. I need to go there, mate. I've learned from working here that Australian's love the arctic. And the Australian people that I've met are so cool and fantastical. They seemed to have a true adventurer's spirit and how could you not living there? It would be cool to see Sydney and some of the larger/more temperate cities but I would also like to go out a little further...perhaps to the yorke peninsula or farther west. It would be fun to spend a couple of days hiking there. I found this picture on the Nambung National Park's website. It is located in western Australia.

10.) Italy. Venice! The canals, the culture, the art, the architecture, the food. Ugh... it just seems like one of the most beautiful places in the world! So romantic. I also want to go to Rome.

Day 13

Wow, I've been really sucking at this blog lists challenge. It's probably already been 25 days and I'm on day 13. Today's list is 10 things I look for in a romantic partner. Hmm....Do I want to think about that? No. Not at all, actually.

The way I look at it is, I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it. Make myself happy, and if a happy accident occurs, and I meet someone worth it, then I will make time for it. But only if it's worth my time. Only if it's really wonderful. I don't have the energy for games and all of that bullcrap. I'm over it and anyway, it's not even worth it. Yes, friends, I have turned into a disenchanted callous bitch. However, I would rather be that than anyone's fool. So, in the spirit of negativity, perhaps I will list 10 things that I DONT want in a romantic partner. Aye?

1.) Emotional baggage, mommy issues, and such like that needs a team of therapists, a lifetime subscription to prozac, the pope, jesus, buddha, the dalai lama, ghandi, and harry krishana to get rid of.

2.) Free spirits are awesome and attractive and all of that, however, there is a difference between a free spirit and a free LOADER. I want someone who knows that difference.

3.) To quote the scandalous Britney Spears, "Womanizer. Womanizer. Boy don't try to front, I (I) kn know just what you a ah are." Yah, preferably not one of those. We all go through phases in life, but if you are in your 30's and still don't know what you want or have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy, we might have a problem.

4.) Someone balanced. Balanced meaning they have read something besides the Guns and Ammo magazine and the Playboy editorials but can still screw in a lightbulb and change their oil, if need be. Also, someone who can have a real conversation about more than just T and A, computer games, and cars but is not such a pompous ass that they demean me if I haven't made time to read applied mathematics.

5.) I actually WANT someone sexual. That's right. I want passionate sex. I said it. We are all sexual beings. However, I don't want someone SO sexual that they put Ron Jeremy to shame. But it would be nice if my man actually expressed interest in my bosoms because yes, it is an important part of a relationship. On that note, if ya don't have the "goods" get out my grocery sto.

6.) No liars. If I have to hook you up to a polygraph every time you talk to me, we have a serious problem. If I could go back and erase all of the time I have spent trying to figure out lies or chasing rainbows that don't exist or driving myself bonkers being paranoid about suspicious behaviors, I would be adding a lot of time to my existance. Just tell the truth. Even if you think it's not what I want to hear. I'm a big girl. I can handle it.

7.) I want someone who knows the difference between we're friends and we're lovers. Those are two very different states in a relationship. Don't think I am going to sleep with you just because I am being nice to you. I am just a courteous kind of girl, okay? I like people. Or if we're exclusive but you have yet to tell your friends that we are after two months, stop wasting my time.

8.) I hate to say this, because I do enjoying creating things myself, however, experience has taught me to stay away from artists/musicians/and pot dealers. I'm not looking for an MBA, but I am looking for something better. Something real that is meaningful and I can sink my teeth into. If you still play drums in a horrible band, live in your mom's basement, and are working at McDonalds, no I don't want your digits.

9.) I want someone who likes to experience new things and go to new places. There is nothing wrong with loving your home and appreciating your roots, but if you don't ever go outside of your home except to go to work, go to the store, and play in your bad garage band....that's just not my style.

10.) Possession is 9/10 of the law, HOWEVER, I'm not a law, I'm a woman. You aint my pimp, my daddy, or my pimp daddy and I can do as I damn well please. If I say that I'm with you, I want you, and that I will be faithful to you, these are all true. But if I want to go out with my friends, play a show, or go on an adventure--don't assume I'm having with sex with anyone or everyone but YOU. And don't feel the need to call me fifty times while I'm out with my girls.

Day 12

For today's challenge it's ten things that I look for in a friend. Well, that's easy.

1.) Laughter
2.) Honesty
3.) Kind spirit/compassion
4.) Likes to have fun/try new things together
5.) Sincerity
6.) Open mindedness
7.) Challenges me or has guts enough to tell me when I'm being stupid
8.) Someone who listens and doesn't undermind
9.) Someone I can be a total kid with
10.) Integrity

Day 11

Today I am supposed to write what my ten favorite tumblr blogs are, but honestly I don't even know what that is.. Oooops. So I'm skipping todays and going with tomorrow's challenge. Five Chores I love and five I hate.

5 Chores I love.
(Okay. I don't know if I would be honest if I said that there are chores I LOVE. After all, it is called a chore. However, there are chores that I mind less than others.)

1.) Folding laundry. I think it's kind of theraputic to do. Especially when it's still warm. I love folding other people's laundry too and putting it away for them all pretty. This of course excludes the buttloads of towels and sheets that I fold on a daily basis for my job.

2.) Organizing. When I get in the mood, I love to organize all my things. I will put things in their place, move stuff around, and decorate. That is kind of fun.

3.) Dishes. I honestly do not mind doing dishes. It is kind of fun. I find that it's a great time to bond with people. I think I read somewhere that a survey was taken and like 70% of women said they consider doing dishes together a form of foreplay. Haha.

4.) Cleaning other people's houses. I really enjoy it. I have done it for peeps on several occasions.

5.) Painting. I think painting is so much fun. I don't mind it at all. I'm not the type of painter that is all worried about getting dirty, in fact it's a great excuse to be a big kid.

5 Chores I hate.

1.) Mopping. It is not the act of mopping itself that bothers me. I think it's just that usually by the time I get around to mopping I have already done everything else and I'm tired.

2.)Cleaning the bathtub. It is so cumbersome and gross.

3.) Cutting the grass. I have developed allergies in recent years. It's not very fun.

4.) Emptying out the sink. You know what I'm talking bout. After you do dishes all that random food matter or hair floating around that you have to pick up and throw away. YUCKERS

5.) Putting away groceries. After I've bought groceries I am usually exhausted because I have spent all day running errands and spent all that time putting those heavy bags in my car and then you have to put all that crap away AND make dinner. Annoying.

There it is. I should win the nobel peace prize for this entry.

Day 10

My assignment today is to post things that I remember from school. Honestly, this is so boring. For the two people that actually read this, I apologize in advance. I was never really in any clubs, besides choir which doesn't really count. I didn't play sports. I was incredibly shy and usually only hung out with my friends experimenting and partaking in various forms of debauchry most of the time. Most of the fun or juicy stuff happened outside of school but eh...

1.) Walking from the north building to the south building in 9th grade and skipping the shuttle bus so that I could sneak and smoke cigarettes. I never got caught but my best friend did. She got grounded for a long time for that one.

2.) When my friend at the time, Dawn, got so mad at the douche who used to pester me every morning in the commons that she spit doritos in his face and then chased him around the cafeteria.

3.) The music practice room that was my haven. It had a beautiful piano. I would lock myself in there and play it. One time my music teacher busted in and said, "I don't mind if you play, but could you please play something else besides those three chords?!" Ha.

4.) I got strep throat in 9th grade and did not take my medication correctly. Because of this I got a horrible out break of psorasis on my skin. This was hell on earth, except for the fact that I got to skip swimming. That was quite a relief and plus I got to hang out in the cafeteria every day.

5.) I had the coolest hippy music teacher in middle school. I wrote a song in 8th grade. It was called "I don't believe". He taught it to the whole choir and we sung it at the school assembly.

6.) My first crush, Eddie. I met in 3rd grade. He kissed me underneath the train tracks on our way home from school one day. Our relationship lasted a week. I never quite got over it.

7.) I wanted to go home with my friend Kristin once, but I didn't ask my mom because I didn't think she would let me. This was probably second or third grade. I told her mom that my mom said it was okay even though I hadn't even asked. It's the first time I can ever remember telling a lie. I hung out with her for a few hours after school, and when I got back to my apartment, there were three cop cars and a very upset momma waiting for me.

8.) I spent a semester of school at the "Christian Life Academy". This was a part of my grandparents church in Frayser Memphis. One time I got in trouble for talking too much and I got sent to the principal. The principal was my grandpa. He paddled me. I was heartbroken.

Blah

Day 9

Today I am supposed to post a random list of some sort. I have decided to go with 5 things that make me feel better on a rainy day. Kind of lame, but I don't have a lot of time.

1.) Bubble baths.
2.) Chocolate.
3.) My guitar, Saffron.
4.) Reading.
5.) Cuddling.

Day 8

So, today we have my ten favorite tv/movie characters of all time. Don't diss my list. That is not allowed. Just like John Cusack says in High Fidelity, "How can it be bullshit to state a PREFERENCE?" :p No particular order, of course.


1.) Strong Bad. Funniest little mexican robot ever!

2.) Andre the Giant. Every girl loves a gentle giant. <3

3.) She-Ra. I was obsessed with her as a kid. Girl power all the way.

4.) Riley Freeman from the show "Boondocks".

5.) Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Lester Bangs in "Almost Famous".

6.) Jack Black as Barry in "High Fidelity".

7.) Rizzo in Grease. Another movie I loved as a kid.

8.) Audrey Hepburn as Holly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

9.) Alexandar Skarsgard as "Eric" in the HBO Series 'True Blood'. Yum yum!

10.) Steve Martin as "Lucky Day" in 'Three Amigos'. Or pretty much any other 80's movies that I have seen that my lulv Stevie is in from around that period.

All The Words

(Artwork by Jolyn Fry)

All the words lay dormant in my mouth.
I'm a storm inside the quiet.
An ocean of language just beneath my chest.
I guess that I can't quite explain it.

So, lay your ear on my heart.
Tell me you hear what I mean.
There's a deep well of longing in my skin
That all the words lay in.

I'm like a bird fluttering around
Flapping her wings, locked up tight
Utterances are a crayon colored picture
Compared to the beauty I feel tonight.

So lay your ear on my heart
Tell me you hear what I see
There's a deep well of longing in my skin
That all the words lay in

Day 7

So for my challenge today I have to list the people in my family and a random fact about them. Well, my family is pretty huge so I will restrict to to intermediate fam.

1.) My mom. Her name is Paula Jean. We have the same middle name. I am Stephanie Jean, otherwise known as "Stephy Jean" by my grandpa. Obviously, I was named after my mom and also after my grandmother whose name is Jeanette. Well, actually her name is Helen Jeanette but she goes by her middle name. Another random thing...My mom used to have this wooden carving plaque thing that said "hey hey paula" on it. She had that thing for years. I think she still does actually. My mom is really fun. And funny too. She doesn't even do it on purpose, that is why it's brilliant. One time she told me a story of how she had been on this diet for weeks and she caved. She stopped at a gas station to buy a Suzy Q. She started to eat it and it was so divine that she pulled the car over to finish every last bite. I knew it was true because I found the evidence in her front seat. Ha!

2.) My Dad. His name is Roy. My dad is really funny too. Sometimes really lame and dry and other times hilariously sarcastic. He is warm, giving, affectionate, honest, responsible, and kind. He is very much a man's man. Drinks beer on friday nights. Watches football. Worked at Catipillar for 30+ years. Works on cars. Loves motorcycles. He was a premie baby, so he's always been horizontally challenged. Apparently he was quite a little fire cracker growing up though. He had a horrible temper and was known for beating up kids twice his build. And I believe it too. He is also very finicky. He likes things how he likes them. Everything must be in it's place and just right. One thing interesting is, in spite of all of his manliness, he has impeccable taste. His house is decorated beautifully, he has great taste in fine art, and dresses to the T.

3.) My bro. His name is Shaun Daniel. He is 4 1/2 years older than me. What can I say? He is wise. He has integrity. He is an amazing father and husband. He works very hard and is always trying to evolve. He's also very goofy and totally clueless about the weirdest things. I admit that I am like him in that way. My sister in law told me that one time they were in the car and were singing different songs. Shaun started singing the national anthem, in which he said, "JOSE can you see??? By the dawn's early light." hahahaha. The funniest thing is, he really thought that is how the song went. Terri had to convince him otherwise. :)

Day 6: 10 Facts About My Home Town

Good ole St. Charles, Illinois. The place where I spent the majority of my childhood and most of my adolescence. Sadly, I do not know much about it so I will have to google.

1.) St. Charles was founded in 1833, after the Black Hawk War.

2.)The fox river runs directly through it, hence the term "pride of the fox" that you see everywhere.

3.)There were "stations" for the underground railroad in many of the homes way back in the day. They had tunnels and false doorways. There was also an early abolitionist group called "The Kane County Anti-Slavery Society" formed in 1842 that met there.

4.)St. Charles was extremely isolated early on, even though it is only 40 miles west of Chicago. This started to change in the 1880's with the building of the Chicago Great Western Railway.

5.) It has a population of about 32,000, as of 2008.

6.) Michael J. Nelson, comedian and writer for the series Mystery Science Theater 3000, was born and raised there.

7.) St. Charles was home to the Potawatomi's. ("Neshnabi" as they called themselves, which simply means "the people") A group of migrating Native Americans who were forced south by settlers. Relations between the French and Spanish Illinois settlers and the Potawatomi's was generally good for a hundred years or so. That is until the Anglo's moved in on their high horse and tried to force them out. This causing the Black Hawk war. This war was considered and embarrasment to the US Government and is largely forgotten outside of northern illinois and wisconsin. Don't worry though. We have a huge ass Potawatomi statue by the police station and a park named after them. :p

8.)St. Charles was originally called "Charleston" for a couple of years, until it was discovered that there was already a Charleston in downstate Illinois. It was suggested by a lawyer that the town be named Saint Charles, and hence it stuck.

9.) There was a large boom of industrial activity there in the 1840's and 1850's. Consisting of several mills and also an iron foundry. The mills were all powered by the river. Also, because Saint Charles was a great stop between Chicago and Dekalb, it contained several hotels in the early days. It is estimated there were as many as 17. The first one built was called The Burchell, and stood where the Arcada theater stands today.

10.) In 1920-1940 a sudden boom of wealth made it's way to the town and St. Charles became known as a resort town because of its scenic river views and what not. The famous Hotel Baker was so popular that everyone referred to it as 'the honeymoon hotel'.